playas and pilgrims

dear envelopes,

turns out life isn't so nice sometimes.  sometimes.. when i think about it, i'm not nice.


i dumped a guy after he told me he thought i was hotter with straight hair.


there i said it. i know it is completely whacked out, but that's basically the drift of it. well, to back up and be completely honest, that stupid sentence was what finally woke me up, the first clue in, from what was becoming a toxic relationship {you would have thought it should have been that he was 6years older than me, wasn't a Christian..but "spiritual", pushed me in some compromising situations and was a little too confident with himself!- but no, i'm stupid, remember, and he was charming.} i wish i had those months back i wasted with that dude.  i don't know how to describe it, but the hair thing just completely struck a chord in me and i didn't like it. i know my hair is all sorts of curly messy, uncontrollable, entirely too long, but well, that's me. and if someone doesn't accept how God made me, or like me au naturale, then i'm seriously not the right person for them. you can take your "i'm not going to love you in humidity or a rainstorm" self right outta here!

and it's not even about the curly hair, that's just like a symptom of the fact that he was trying to change me to fit into his life. hm, i have a better idea: why don't we just find a robot that looks like your past 3 girlfriends, straighten her hair, stick a beer in one hand and a foam hand for your favorite football team in the other!

God, what was i thinking! i love so easily.

i'm tired. i'm tired of the playas who make you believe all the far east lyrics, i'm tired of the pilgrims that can't look at you or they'll die or something.

your love is strong

you know what?

every once in a while for about 2 months i have wanted to write. i probably should have done it when the urge came because i remember they were good thoughts... but they are long gone now, buried in my hippocampus or wherever dreams die.

begin.

i don't know, maybe it's college, or maybe i'm getting older, or maybe my hearts just changing, but last january i did a novel thing for me (and maybe others) i made resolutions.  i kept them. well, pretty much. and whatever the case, it was life-changing! something about making a small, practical, do-able list of things i wanted... worked. no lie, i had never done a 'life to-do' list before.

all this to say, every once in a while i'll catch myself saying 'you need to add that to what you need to work on.' here's some for ya, LIST:

following whims. who doesn't love that old lady in the grocery line that asks you how "my lands! how you college kids can do so much!!" randomly or that geeky guy that sits down next to you and asks what your major is and what you're studying, tells his life story, asks if you are a model (aw) and then hands you his web design business card (hang out in 1st floor neilson). there's something so fun about that. to be free to act on all the silly things you think and just be more expressive.

not hating people. i just honestly don't have the time anymore. i can hardly think of anyone i have hated starting this semester (and believe me i have run into those last semester people more than once-- lol that was just a joke. but it makes a point--remember thAT!). you don't have time to KILL. 1john3:15 haha think of that<:)

talking to God about things. he's probably the only one that doesn't mind hearing it.

seeing beauty in faces only their mother could love. let's start this out.. i love beauty. i love all things beautiful. i'm a designer for heaven's sake! but not all things beautiful are love. what i mean is that beauty does not always equate with good. there are some incredibly attractive guys and girls out there. let's face it, it's nice to look at good looking people and kind of sad/odd/scary looking at others. there should never be god-awful people. and when there starts to be, you have a problem. i am convinced that if i ever marry it will be an ugly but beautiful guy. they're way nicer, and finding beauty is way better than being blinded by it.

using your powers for good. i still haven't fully talked myself into this one yet. i am extremely sensing/perceiving and can read people like a book. i know exactly what people want.. sometimes i am incapable of giving them it, or flat unwilling to...but most of the time i use this "skill" to an unfair advantage. i tickle people's ears. professors, employers, acquaintances, friends...it is very unethical. but then again is there really a law against tickling? is it lying or living? i don't know this one yet.

appreciating the little things. in some way this reaction from this guy is incredibly moving: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OQSNhk5ICTI when did life cease to be so incredible.

bulletproof. i wish i were. peoples opinions, expectations, attitudes, aren't mine. why do i need to take them on?

advice

I finally took the hand of someone much older and wiser than I,

and came to a hill, with a little rise.

Through aged, but not much wrinkled eyes--for an instant--

I see the world and scan the skies.

psalm 23

The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters,
He restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.

Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.


...so.... beautiful.....

for the first time in a long time i picked up on something.  the verse, 'your rod and staff..." i never really thought about.   i always thought of the phrase as just something in the poetry... like "my cup overflows" (really, i don't have a cup and what is that reference talking about) but~ it's a picture of God!  his rod of correction and staff of help.  {think of sheep, they need to be wacked in the head every once in a while to be hearded in the sheepfold and also helped by the shepherds staff out of crevices they had fallen into.}  goodness... i need both. i'm such a sorry excuse for even a dumb sheep.  and to think that i have a loving shepherd that would punish me, help me, do anything, even leave ninety-nine others for me.

your rod and staff, they comfort me.

thank you

God, for my dad's job and these wonderful people that cared.

simplicity vs. complexity

The one permanent emotion of the inferior man is fear - fear of the unknown, the complex, the inexplicable.

i just don't understand why humans (and i say that as i am one, at least i think) seem to adore simplicity so much. is it just one of those things that is that much easier to wrap their small head around? ...to attempt to fully "grasp" a subject completely and then feel all well and good about their "accomplishment"? or, something done or liked for conformity in hopes of acceptance? what ignorance on the one hand and {idon'tknowwhat but i don't like it} on the other!

most,if not all, important things are complex (love, life, DNA, technology, the world, etc...let alone God! and the grand scheme of things...) hmm. i mean, God didn't make us all little single-celled organisms, did he? he could have, but he chose to make us wonderfully difficult, or complex. so it seems to me that it should be that way.

when i was younger i remember my sister of two saying "i can DO IT MYself!" all the time to nearly everyone that attempted to help her. no one taught her that, it is just something built into people to want to figure out things. the whole mystery genre started off of this innate desire for complexity: to take a bunch of randomized facts and seemingly arbitrary circumstances and spend time making sense out of them.

so, i guess that's why it bothers me that the famed "keep it simple, stupid." attitude is everywhere. frat boys, ugg boots, minimalism in art, picture perfect people all acting alike! life is not this way! what is this farce?

"but my simplicity i can understand!" maybe we weren't meant to understand. maybe we were meant to be a soul continually widening in awe of maybe, how much we don't know.

disclaimer

i am about to really start writing a blog. i'm going to write whatever i want often perhaps.


note: all your "well, isn't she hoity toity know it all" stupid thinkings here (that's not even proper grammar, ! so don't go there). get a life, i'm not even like that ;)