unfortunately this is the sentiment expected of me most of my life. which is fine, i guess. i mean, actions have consequences, blardee blar ... and even unforeseeable circumstances... those also require a certain measure of "just deal" aptitude.

yeah, well i've pretty much got that down.
(so down, i could take it on down to downtown!)

okay.. i don't know where that came from, moving on....

basically, i have learned to just "deal with it" so "well" that no one ever knows i'm struggling. and that's not a good thing.

i don't ask for help, i'm "strong" all right... i just push it all down, shoulder as much as i can, and stick my best smile on my face.

i really don't like whiners, or complainers, and negative nancy's so i suppose that could be partly why i never clue people in. i guess deep down i don't want to be like that so i think presenting a false view of reality is the next best thing?

i don't know, doesn't make much sense to me, either.

two weeks ago a guy a work said these exact words to me, "geez, (name), you really have it all together don't you, you make the rest of us look bad!"

though the conversation was about fashion and (very obviously) a joke, i totally responded a little too emphatically (probably based on the week I had just gone through) with a major "no, i sooo DO NOT have it all together!!!", which everyone thought was hilarious.

i can definitely see the humor of it, but really.. that's the last thing i want people to think of me. just because i don't wave all my dirty laundry in everyone's face and whine about my life doesn't mean it's not difficult, really stressful, and hard to handle everything.

frankly, i have days where i feel like a beatup dog continually running back to his cruel master for more.

i think i need to do better with that balance of opening up to be real about stuff.

the few times i do though, seriously... people either 1.) think i have lost it and am off my rocker or 2). kindly say some variant of "pull your big girl panties up, and deal with it."

either way, i always end up feeling guilty that i'm not perfect, and regret ever letting my guard down.