home for christmas

i know what most people mention as their favorite part of being home for the holidays:
rest, relaxation, good food, loved ones near and dear, shopping, gift-giving, usual stuff..

it's not that those things don't matter to me, they just don't make my tip top favorites ;)

5. movies: i never ever watch movies unless i'm home. i mean i'll watch a rare spot of tv every once in a blue moon, but only in less than 15 min sittings. so hard to beat the experience of a crowded couch with blankets at home.
4. frizzy hair: home is the remarkable one place on earth where when i leave my hair alone and let it do it's natural curly way; instead of strange looks, i get genuine "wow! you're hair looks so good like that!
3. no alarm clocks: unbeknownst to any of my immediate family, i am usually a very early riser during the school year; however, at home i have come to be known as some species of hibernating bear that is not to be woken. i very much try to maintain the image.
2. sweatpants: my family is probably the only ones who would ever love me in my sweatpants. seriously, you haven't seen these sweatpants. that's how i can tell it's real love.
1. craziness: i guess i just really like how they put up with me. and i can be silly and random all i want and they can't judge me, because they're weird too ♥

merry christmas!

selling out

i just wanted to write a bit. and do as i usually do in my loosely punctuated and freewriting-esque style.

it's a touchy subject.
here we go... answers into the unexplained:
i still remember the day my parents set up the hotel night and we listened to james dobson. i don't remember nearly anything that was on those cassette tapes (were they even cassettes?) i remember that it was awkward; i think i felt the worst that somehow i already knew what was being explained, such a crime in my 11, 12? year-old mind. all this to say,  i still knew it was special. maybe it was the hundred some bucks at a hotel? or the time by myself... i just knew whatever it was, it was--in fact, important. for that, i thank my mom and dad, the world over.

i got the ring after that. it didn't fit me then.
i put it away, about a year or two under my bed, then up on the top shelf of my closet. i didn't think it was pretty, and i just associated it with the content of the awkward talk. oh yes, there was some promise with it. one that i didn't want to make. no reason other than i rightly knew, it would affect the rest of my life. I told myself i didn't understand it enough. i'd decide later.

time waits for no man. not even for a non-committal 18 year old.

fast-forward: to last summer. i think that was the first time i wore it. nestled in the corner of my jewelry box it wasn't so ugly anymore. it was a forlorn commitment. "she dresses herself with strength and makes her arms strong."

i still remember the time my young boss, who i liked, point blank saw me wearing it. his eyes got really wide, and didn't talk to me much after... oh, or that time getting ready with some girls... "hey, sorry to yell from the bathroom, but just wondering, do you put out?! wait, what is thaaaat [on your hand]?"

so it's not the object that does anything. it's the heart. for a while there, because i was really strongly opposed to the wwjd bracelet and kjv tote'in segment of the Church... i rejected the idea entirely of showing outwardly any connection to such hooligans. however, like i said, recently, i have strangely found something that really attracted me to it:

THE UNBELIEVABLE NUMBER OF PEOPLE IT WILL TURN OFF.

i mean, it bothers guys, it bothers girls, it makes people think you are judging them, or somehow think you are better than them, or there is something wrong with you, or you are gay, or you can't get anyone, or you are a really boring undesirable person, or you have issues, etc,

though these are all negative things, i kinda stopped caring i guess. if someone can't be a little bit open-minded about me having a different opinion than them, i don't really need them as a acquaintance/friend. i don't really have as strong as a need to be liked anymore.

i'm not perfect with God, by any means, either; all i know is i'm trusting that portion of my life to Him. He knows.


“Truth will rise above falsehood as oil above water.”

arms or wings

you have arms, not wings, dear. do not try to do what you were not made for. and likewise, dear, make quiet use of that which you have.

i'm pretty sure...

if i met mr. right i would blow him off.
probably because i just met mr. adorable-trying-to-talk-to-me-at-a-coffee-shop-but-i-was-too-busy-and-frankly-unaware-of-what-was-going-on-:(

all i have to say is mr. right better be able to deal with initial rejection.

sorry.
+
in other related news, these delightful songs remind me of books, sweaters, and coffee shops:

quiet.

i'm not shy, i'm not anti-social. i'm not a non-communicator. i'm just quiet.

loud feet outside the door in the hallway. blaring horns, music and tv's turned up too loud.

at times i just really do not feel like talking. it never really seems to get me anywhere anyway these days. no one listens. i can understand what is going on without needing words.

these long november nights just make me want a warm sunny patch of ground in a forest and a friend i can nod to and they will just smile and understand.

the weird thing is i have gotten really good at being a extrovert. i can almost guarantee if you were to be introduced to me, you'd never know. playing the confederate. it's just how i make it by.

being quiet is such an ugly trait to have. people can't stand silence. it makes them nervous. watch people. they have to have be talking, have music on, pretending to text, they can't handle a bit of quiet.

only problem with my little too well-done act, is after time it really wears me out. it makes me day-dream of retreating by myself, only to be interrupted by "GAH! what are you doing staring off into space! i want to talk about such-and-such unimportant such-and-such!"

oh middle class

while you stand arguing how you can indeed combine your two expired 25% off coupons on a 27.98 coupon-exclusion item, this happens. http://www.flickr.com/photos/arnade/sets/72157627894114489/

i wonder how God doesn't get tired of us. of our endless self-absorption.

you can be thankful i'm not all-powerful, i would all too quickly throw up my hands and say "whew! i'm through with putting up with that!"

yet, somehow... wondrously... Long ago the LORD said: "I have loved you, my people, with an everlasting love. With unfailing love I have drawn you to myself. jer. 31:3

i don't understand it.

on time, as if on cue

the elevator door opens and dings. i look up quickly, across the foyer, strangely expecting some sort of answer to my thoughts. instead a woman hurries into the door, her larger frame filling the space. across the back what is most likely a ladies workout express t-shirt, can be read

"Change. Begins when we cease to fear."
somehow i think that answers my question.

14 minutes and 54 seconds worth of music

these are the songs that i keep replaying and humming every weird hour lately. :)

fine.

Ljósið (previously known as Let Yourself Feel) from Esteban Diácono on Vimeo.

hermit crab

though everybody has a shell, it's tough when they start to exclude you because of yours...

be resourceful, cute, and CARE LESS!

old hands and long thoughts

i ride the bus a lot. every morning to school and every evening back. i guess i've never calculated it, but probably more than an hour is spent in the function "passenger on a noisy big bus with many people."
it's really okay. not really a big deal.

i just think a lot when i'm on the bus. oh and stare off into space-- two days ago, i was riding the regular route, somehow had managed to snag an actual seat on the bus, for once. tall sweaty people were mashed right up to me, standing, arms holding onto the metal bars over head. it's really pretty awkward to be six inches away from all the generic huge farmer-boys. so anyway i tried to purge my head of disgusting, imagine the smell away, and stare out the window. in the car next to the bus was an image that really intrigued me. it was these hands.

okay not really those particular ones, but so similar.

suddenly, i was lost. they were so beautiful to me. so strange. they were all i could see driving that little beat-up volkswagen with little sunflower on the dash. just those old hands.

mine don't look like that.
i glance down at my own. the bus pulled ahead, and made a wide turn down the next street. sunlight filtered in thorough the window on me. so smooth. so young. they really were a lie. my hands don't tell my story. they don't tell my life yet.

...they say that the first place you can tell a woman's age is by her hands. centuries of hand creams and lotions haven't been able to stop times progress on little wrinkles and furrows, made as the body looses it's natural fat stores there.

it's a sign you are dying.

i mean, not that you are going to physically keel over in the next five minutes, just that that you are following the natural order of things. an external sign that we aren't here forever. it is strange to think that you start to die the minute you are born.

i love old hands, they are so textured and crinkled and carry proud stories of life in another time. age spots and veins are like growth rings on a tree to me, telling quiet reflections of life.

i guess that they just remind me of eternity.

though they remind me we aren't here forever, they remind me that there is a Forever. though there is death in me, there is life in Him.

Then saith he to the man, Stretch forth thine hand. And he stretched it forth; and it was restored whole Matthew 12:13

He knows my name

it's nice to be called your name.
it's nice when people know your name.

funny story-- yesterday one of my professors mentioned that scientists have found that humans' favorite word is their own name.

i believe it. across a crowded room, you can hear it, or being whispered about next room over by a roomate, your ears naturally perk up.

earlier today on campus, i was talking on the phone and pacing back and forth the sidewalk. two cute guys walked by me, up the sidewalk. then out of no where, i hear my name said. i turn around, way up the side walk the guys have stopped and are looking back. it's very strange. they said my name? i don't know them, do they know me through someone i know? then the guy walks down and pulls out my uid card. ohhhh! i dropped it!!

haha though it was totally unintentional, best pick up line evAR! lol all's left is for shining knight to write me on craigslist, and then we're set! hahahaha

anyways, back on topic, i guess it's nice when people know your name, because you're important. you matter to them. the thrill you feel hearing that the people you interviewed remembered you, or your internship supervisor gave you a good reivew, a wow moment of "huh! they actually knew my name!"

even greater to be known to God. God of the universe.

He knows my name. 

seriously.
knows everything about me. i like hearing that.

want!

--a real photography camera... smallest nikon that still has that huge lens deal on the front
--adobe photoshop and illustrator
--sephora or mac makeup collection/consultation
--gps
--designer bag/clutch
--toms shoes
--fossil watch
--other things i can't remember

:)thee list is short but sooo expensive!

heaven

in 10yrs they'll quote me on:

"never let anyone tell you can't be anything you want to be, look at young george clooney. the universe still offers hope that you can be a pompous hollywood actor even if you have ugly beginnings. there is no end to possibility. destiny smiles on nerds and bros alike." ©mvm2012

the only

designer bags i have.. 

are under each eye. :/


zoink.
::
goodnight!

i love her hair.

alison sudol from "a fine frenzy". 

lazy morning ritual

the warm computer buzz of a laptop. streaks of morning light from a window. tangled white sheets and mounds of over-fluffy pillows. words to no one in particular. long stretch. turn and dream again.

candy cantaloupe

"candy cantaloupe!" her withered hand reaches toward me, shaking a little plastic cup. i can't see what is in it, so i step closer. "try to-day, so good. you like." black-haired man steps in line in front of me, obscuring my view. finally, he moves. "here! you. have one!" i can see the cup's contents fully this time. orange, over-ripe plain cantaloupe sitting in a fourth an inch of murky water. my nose involuntary scrunches up. oh, that was all it was. i shuffle a few steps back and then right, murmuring an "oh no thanks". it is lost in the noise of screaming child, "mom! mom! i said i want some! mooom! are you listening!" "candy cantaloupe!"the old woman calls again with that lilt to her voice. i walk down the tomato aisle of the produce section. ew. ew. ew. why did i even get in line for that? i wasn't the poor old woman's fault. fact of the matter is, i just hate cantaloupe.

i don't exactly remember

if the movie "the amazing spiderman" had the great quote in it i imagine it has.

it was something along the lines of "those who have the ability to help, must--for no one but them has their power". but anyways, i think it's just the "with great power comes great responsibility" line. clearly less poetic. that was the only one i could find that sounded like it on imbd or (imdb as it's more commonly called.)

probably my favorite scene in that movie is when peter parker chooses to create his own "justice" by not assisting the rude convenience store employee stop a robber. he of course thought it would "serve the man right" for how he treated parker. the grand sceme of things is a little bigger than that, and that particular convenience store robber killed an innocent bystander that got in his way. unfortunately for parker, this was his uncle.

before you think i'm gruesome for liking that scene. i don't like it. well, i do... i don't know, i just like it because it teaches me a lesson. i genuinely felt guilty.

why? because it's like me to not do proactive evil upon others but sort of whistle away hoping they get what's comin to them.

that's why IF the movie has that really great quote to it that i am imagining, it would really go well with this story i heard in the news.



--
doesn't that just make you shake your head!? that anyone that nice is still left? AND that she didn't reveal that she was a heroine! too cool.

anyway, what about the other end? you know the romans 12:17 deal; the you can't just NOT do bad, but have to actively DO good on top of it.

moreover, it made me think that i do have individual POWER (bestowed by God) i have the responsibility to use it if i can.  if i "know to do good, and don't do it" i am inadvertently killing souls by not offering my potential life-giving powers of kind words, listening ear, nod and forhead crinkle.

just something to think on.

i want no power

i want no power;
i have no aim.
ruling is such an unpleasant game.
as i hate to say i love, for i really do--
i love only to follow and learn too.
words such as this! ach! burn them alive.


and, were i to say things as these a-loud?!
better to have stood on my head and meowed!

this one's about pots.

i really want to take a pottery class.  my eye is twitching. i hate that. it's probably from stress.


dear diary,

i am an ugly pot. i feel like this weird deformed vessel. one you can tell was perhaps meant to hold something at one time or serve some kind of function. however, time and demand of other pressing project orders, was put to the back shelf. here i am.

from here on this ledge oh! it is hard not to envy the almost flute-like graceful sculptural vases, the milky porcelain plates, the painstakenly painted pitcher, teacups with seemingly everything handed to them--rimmed in gold! were they made just to make me discontented? surely not. how silly.

the Master makes no mistakes. i really do not question Him. some evenings i do watch from my shelf and marvel at His hands i see so clearly-- steady, strong, and expertly skilled at accomplishing whatever it was that He wanted to make. overwhemled, my eyes often move from his craftmanship to behind His worktable. plain earthy mugs holding pencils and brushes.
i squint and try to conjecture what even they must feel like, being used! they are not beautiful, really not even very functional, no handle in which to be held-- but rawly shaped to contain something for the Master.

i look down at myself. "i want to be used!" i want to scream out in my little voice. i'm tired of waiting. "when will be my time?" i breathe into the air.

"it's My time." the Master said. "I made you."




What shall we say then? There is no injustice with God, is there? May it never be! For He says to Moses, “ I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion.” So then it does not depend on the man who wills or the man who runs, but on God who has mercy. For the Scripture says to Pharaoh, “ For this very purpose I raised you up, to demonstrate My power in you, and that My name might be proclaimed throughout the whole earth.” So then He has mercy on whom He desires, and He hardens whom He desires.
You will say to me then, “ Why does He still find fault? For who resists His will?” On the contrary, who are you, O man, who answers back to God? The thing molded will not say to the molder, “Why did you make me like this,” will it? Or does not the potter have a right over the clay, to make from the same lump one vessel for honorable use and another for common use? What if God, although willing to demonstrate His wrath and to make His power known, endured with much patience vessels of wrath prepared for destruction? And He did so to make known the riches of His glory upon vessels of mercy, which He prepared beforehand for glory, even us, whom He also called, not from among Jews only, but also from among Gentiles. As He says also in Hosea,

“ I will call those who were not My people, ‘My people,’
And her who was not beloved, ‘beloved.’”
 “ And it shall be that in the place where it was said to them, ‘you are not My people,’
There they shall be called sons of the living God.”

so do not worry about tomorrow;

I DON'T!

though it's not common for me to worry about Tomorrow, i am very prone to worry about THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW!

%(
do-do-do-duu!

well, okay.. yeah, really not too worried about that either. though i agree the likelyhood of  an extreme global ice age catastrophe (or death by extreme heat wave in iowa) is probably highly imminent..

i am waaaay too self-centered to worry about that! i figure if it's going to happen, it'll happen to us all! i instead choose to devote that worrying-capable section of my brain to worry about things that affect me.

MONEY.

enough about that for now, i'll get back to that thought later. i went to church last sunday and the pastor spoke on matthew 6:25-34

“ For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life? And why are you worried about clothing? Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they do not toil nor do they spin, yet I say to you that not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which isalive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more clothe you? You of little faith! Do not worry then, saying, ‘What will we eat?’ or ‘What will we drink?’ or ‘What will we wear for clothing?’ For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

so what do we as humans (solo uno worrisome creature) spend all of our time worrying ABOUT?
a-hem,

er, you know...
food, clothes, body, friends, love, family, job, money, car, health, success, politics, death, security, traffic...

we are robbing ourselves the joy of today when thinking about the day after tomorrow.


here are the greatest points out of that passage and sermon i heard:

God has already proven that he will provide for you. (v25) and He point-blank says not to worry!


You are incredibly valuable to God. (v26-30) the birds-- are you not much more valuable than they? go birdwatching! how do they behave? they are up singing in the morning not freaking out because tomorrow where are they going to get worms?! worms are like a commodity-- they're everywhere, we need them, but not that important to be honest.


You have a higher calling than most people. (v31-32) we are not to be like the pagans slave to these things, instead followers of Christ.


You have a Father who knows everything you need. (v32) He knows you need them. so comforting. Moreover, He is our Father! we are not orphans who running after things, looking for the next meal, we are a child of God. He'll take care of us.

so where do we go from there? seek God,


really TRUST,

live one day at a time.

and if i apply those points about my little friend capital MONEY ??

-God's already given me plenty of it in the past, and has been faithful to provide. I've never been destitute.

-I am valuable to God, and he wants to give me good things, but not things that take the place of Him.

-I have a purpose: it's not to be successful and make lots of money, it's to follow Christ.

-God knows I need it. (and how much!) that's all.

sound

of rain at night. i love the way it mixes with one's dreams.

anyway./

up on my wall

on society reaches all time low or otherwise i am pathetic

the impossible has happened. never thought it would happen.

news of the day: read all about it: biggest nerd i am aware of gets engaged today.

it's just not funny. does every friend, and friend of a friend, or a friend and friend of an enemy really have to get married? dear Lord, i am 21 years old for heaven's sake and i'm like the last of the mohicans here.

yes, i am aware you draw more flys with a tomahawk not in hand... however the saying goes; 

wow, i am just really baffled. either society has really dropped it's standards or i just didn't catch that marriage memo going around. i just ask myself. WHERE DO THEY FIND THESE PEOPLE. you know, to get married to. and larger question who?! bless her dear soul ended up with mr. nerd incarnate?!  don't even start telling me how horrible i am for calling him that. this is not a nice nerdy guy, this is that 16 year old looking arrogant kid with tall white socks and cell phone clip. he was the last person i ever saw getting married. 

cruel, just cruel, world.

want to know something interesting? i even started looking at all my girlfriends that are/getting married. Expecting to find something common to all such as yellow hair box dye #47, 

something easily replicated on a large scale... no, instead i discovered a strange trait. rather two, every girl possessed tendencies toward: #1 DOING NOTHING with their life and #2 BORINGNESS. this actually does make sense. guys want a girl they are not intimidated by and can mostly you know, pick up after them.

i mean you don't exactly see the jane goodall's getting the guys (human variety, that is). living too exciting of a life and eccentricity=a big nope. like i said: revisit the two fundamental rules.

ug. i don't want to be boring and do nothing. i don't want to be cinderella.  i just don't see why you can't be this super cool bomb kicking going somewhere woman AND a wife. 

my mom can.

sincerely,

me

breathe. listen.

i remember these times

brooding mini me

growing up. thinking i was a hideous creature 

silly idealistic senior

stress

grrr!

http://qkme.me/36ijug

streams in the desert

“This thing is from me” (1 Kings 12:24). “Life’s disappointments are veiled love’s appointments.” –Rev. C. A. Fox My child, I have a message for you today; let me whisper it in your ear, that it may gild with glory any storm clouds which may arise, and smooth the rough places upon which you may have to tread. It is short, only five words, but let them sink into your inmost soul; use them as a pillow upon which to rest your weary head. This thing is from Me. Have you ever thought of it, that all that concerns you concerns Me too? For, “he that toucheth you, toucheth the apple of mine eye” (Zech. 2:8). You are very precious in My sight. (Isa. 43:4) Therefore, it is My special delight to educate you. I would have you learn when temptations assail you, and the “enemy comes in like a flood,” that this thing is from Me, that your weakness needs My might, and your safety lies in letting Me fight for you. Are you in difficult circumstances, surrounded by people who do not understand you, who never consult your taste, who put you in the background? This thing is from Me. I am the God of circumstances. Thou camest not to thy place by accident, it is the very place God meant for thee. Have you not asked to be made humble? See then, I have placed you in the very school where this lesson is taught; your surroundings and companions are only working out My will. Are you in money difficulties? Is it hard to make both ends meet? This thing is from Me, for I am your purse-bearer and would have you draw from and depend upon Me. My supplies are limitless (Phil.4:19). I would have you prove my promises. Let it not be said of you, “In this thing ye did not believe the Lord your God” (Deut. 1:32). Are you passing through a night of sorrow? This thing is from Me. I am the Man of Sorrows and acquainted with grief. I have let earthly comforters fail you, that by turning to Me you may obtain everlasting consolation (2 Thess. 2:16, 17). Have you longed to do some great work for Me and instead have been laid aside on a bed of pain and weakness? This thing is from Me. I could not get your attention in your busy days and I want to teach you some of my deepest lessons. “They also serve who only stand and wait.” Some of My greatest workers are those shut out from active service, that they may learn to wield the weapon of all–prayer. This day I place in your hand this pot of holy oil. Make use of it free, my child. Let every circumstance that arises, every word that pains you, every interruption that would make you impatient, every revelation of your weakness be anointed with it. The sting will go as you learn to see Me in all things. –Laura A. Barter Snow “‘This is from Me,’ the Saviour said, As bending low He kissed my brow, ‘For One who loves you thus has led. Just rest in Me, be patient now, Your Father knows you have need of this, Tho’, why perchance you cannot see. Grieve not for things you’ve seemed to miss. The thing I send is best for thee.’ “Then, looking through my tears, I plead, ‘Dear Lord, forgive, I did not know, ‘Twill not be hard since Thou dost tread, Each path before me here below. And for my good this thing must be, His grace sufficient for each test. So still I’ll sing, “Whatever be God’s way for me is always best.”‘”

sorry excuses for a man, it's time somebody told you...

mark driscoll knows every guy in the book [see 0:15:00]; scary how accurate this is.