this makes me cry

what the video doesn't share but this article does, is a bit about the boy battling tears in the red sweatshirt. he's one of the "cool" kids, he's the quarterback of the football team-- the guy everyone looks up to and emulates. kids are so mean, and i can guarantee no one would have stood up for the poor "waterboy" if a "celebrity" of sorts hadn't done something. yes, i know its a beautiful thing that he stood up against the bullying and influenced the entire team to stand up for the boy, but still it makes me sad. how many times is a child somewhere not stood up for? how many times is someone disabled, quiet and shy, or even "different" in any imaginable way "kicked under the bus" emotionally or physically? people are so mean. i'm a supposed adult~ and even today i can not grow a thick enough skin fast enough for how i get ripped up & bad-talked. it's hard, and i can't even imagine being a young child picked on and taking everything so deeply. i pray for every little heart out there, God protect them.

sweeping things under the... placemat

years and years ago, growing up in eastern idaho, i was a child with a few strong dislikes in the area of mealtime delicacies. namely, my particular distaste was for vegetables that were cooked and green in nature: broccoli, lentils, lima beans, brussel sprouts, peas... i hated them all!

one day, to my despair, peas were once again on the dinner menu~ and i resolved then and there that i simply would not eat any peas at all (in my vision) from that day forward! declaring such a goal was completely out of the question, so i devised a more devious means.

slowly but surely throughout dinner, while people were talking, i quietly picked up a single pea, glanced around the table, and put it under the rim of my plate. my little process was noticed by no one~ so i grew bolder and put more and more, completely encircling the plate. i smiled with inward glee, the rim of my plate overlapped in just the right manner to completely hide my entire store of nasty peas.

i remember even being congratulated for "doing such a good job eating all my peas" and i remember feeling so incredibly smart for my little "illusion."

"why don't you bring your plates to the sink when you're finished eating."

over the clatter of clanging dishes, as i heard those words, my heart sunk to my knees. with a dull sense of dread, i knew once i lifted my "clean" plate off the table, an entire serving of little green peas would come spilling out.


i hadn't thought of that.

--

all will be revealed. those are some scary words for all of us. it makes me think of how in life its pretty easy to be a "clean plate" to others around you with them never knowing the sin you're hiding underneath it all.

1. admitting you even have a problem is the first step & probably half the battle. Jesus did not take kindly to people that thought their little illusion was good enough: "Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of the bones of the dead and everything unclean." (Matthew 23:27)

2. being sobered by the vast ugliness of our sin. the reality is that we can't simply "clean it up". there is no way, it's not possible for us. one sin is enough to eternally separate us from God, how much more all of our sins!

3. realizing that God doesn't grade on the "curve" of how much it appears you're ok in reference to how dirty others are. He has a perfect standard= perfection or fail.

4.applying God's grace is our only salvation. in Christ, we are freed from the control of sin and we are more than conquerors! God's grace was never meant to be after we get ourselves "cleaned up first"~ how insulting to God's gift: he made a way for us, when He knew there was none.

5. and last~remembering the forgiveness of Jesus. the woman being stoned for adultery~ how beautifully Jesus forgave her!

let's stop sweeping things under the placemat... take our dirty plate piled high with sins, give it to Jesus, and never look back!



...and don't forget to say "thank you!"

fall sweaters

God, after today all i can say is~ you have quite the sense of humor! ;) & i have the sneaking suspicion you  love these sweater looks as much as I do?

i tried.

honest to goodness i tried.
i told you this was coming, should have just believed me~

...and begin rant.

welp.
so i'm pretty quiet some of the time, with that 'some' being when i want to be, or merely when i am extremely uncomfortable. a lot of times i think people read me very wrong.

other's perceptions
1. i am conceited.
2. i am prissy.
3. i am judgmental.
4. i am rich?

truth of the matter
1. i actually find this the most {annoying} common myth that goes around about me. people that know me all know i really dislike talking about myself/ i have an almost in-bedded nature to word all my insights/answers as questions /and generally lean too far on the 'not liking myself side' to even register on the 'full of myself side'.

2. though i wear (gasp!) makeup, or at times dress nice, i am actually very oudoorsy. give me a trail with trees and a free afternoon and i'm golden: i will disappear for hours exploring.  furthermore~ i grew up with 2 brothers and paid my fair dues in the tomboy category, i guess i just don't feel the need to prove it to you by dirt in my fingernails.

3. it invariably happens. i tell someone i'm in fashion, and they start to get all self-conscious about what they are wearing. i could honestly care less! like a doctor, i've seen it all, and it doesn't phase me anymore. i'd much rather see people in their natural style/element than them adapt to what they think i would like. while you're worrying that i'm judging you for looking like a slob in sweatpants and a hoodie, i am {honestly} probably thinking how accurate last week's trend meeting that "athleisure" is going to be our best seller.

4. though i do have a very good paying job, i did not grow up having a life of financial ease by any means. i paid for school myself by working part-time/ heck, even full-time! jobs year-round even during 22 credit semesters at school! still today, i use coupons at the grocery store and all of my furniture is not even from the same decade(s) to even consider matching.



so you can take all that silent judgement~and go judge someone else.


no, don't do that.

apparently,

i use this blog as a vent for my strong emotions that don't have an outlet to escape other wise. so what does that mean, if i haven't had the inkling to write in more than a month?

as i look back over this and see despair, anger, love, etc in very passionate potent doses-- it makes me wonder how accurate some of these thoughts where when they were expressed "in the heat of the moment" so to speak. but irrationality is something i have never been afraid of, and i suppose i will continue... and taking away emotion would be like separating marrow from my bone.

but anyway, i thought i would write today. well, for one, because today i feel surprisingly 'fine'. or to word it more understandably, i feel neither extremely happy/angry/sad at all today, sort of a hum-drum feeling of a state of all around o-kay.

nicks, burns, and fenders

'i could just... kick myself.' ah, said those words a few too many times.
and lets not even talk about regrets, i have surprisingly many for someone that doesn't believe in living life looking backwards. all the same~ ideology aside, they're there. p e r m a n e n t . and ugly.

this summer i had the chance to be home for a brief bit, which was (let me tell you!) wonderful. but, i don't know if many would understand this, at the same time it was very memory-inducing, if that's even a thing. i blame you, vile cardboard boxes!

memories are a good thing, most of the time. and if you're perfect: all the time, i suppose~
but sometimes for those of the other 99% of the population that came down with the streak of stupid, not. so. much.

i mean, for one, i have only to look around the house to see a historical record of some of my young atrocities. at the kitchen counter is the large circular burn ring from the time i hastily yanked a boiling-over pan off the burner.. and onto the flammable laminate beside it.  the ugly scar of sorts is there to date. might not seam like a big deal, but it really bothers me.

there are things that really can't be fixed. things that were caused by me. my intentional or unintentional stupidity that others had to suffer for. maybe it's that i'm getting older or learning to take responsibility but it's painful to think on these things now.

the age-old: 'view from the valley before the perspective of a hill.' and yeah.. i know, then even the hill looks different in 20 years.

oh i can remember the times i swelled with joy at the feeling of parent's car keys hitting my hot little teenager hands. yes! i was independent! i was free! i could drive alone! one day to my dismay, when i returned from whatever activity or another, a nasty dent was waiting for me on the rear bumper by some hit and run. i had ruined my parents car!! well, not me, but some other idiotic student driver like myself. ugh. i shake my head now. why?! driving alone's not that fun anyway! why was i so stupid? i could have just as easily let my parents drop me off back then, with no chance of that happening. 

i definitely feel really bad about all of these things. and it gets me thinking... what about things not so tangible? where's the insurance payout for the internal damage i've left on others feelings, hearts...
what nicks and burns and fender benders have i inflicted deep upon others?

i guess i'm really thankful for God (and people like my parents!) who don't just overlook my mistakes but choose to forgive. the Bible says that 'love keeps no record of wrongs'...

for this i am so thankful...
especially when they are (very visibly) permanently etched into a counter top or dented into your car.


❤

seems to me..

that money is the worst friend you could ever know. you know, you would think that money would owe you: after all that you did to get it, surely you rightfully deserve a bit of
+respect
+prestige
+happiness
+comfort
for slaving to accumulate so much of it. yeah, ah/ funny thing...

money doesn't owe you nothing.

and you better believe i meant every word of that double-negative as emphasis. the hard, cold reality is that:

money doesn't owe you, it rather owns you.


let me tell a little uninteresting story. so in college there was a girl i knew...

i should clarify 'knew' in the very loosest sense of the word (i.e. invariably happen to see a thousand times more than i would like to in a week, and hear her loud conversations with her groupies in the lab, and may/may not have stumbled upon her daily style blog by unscrupulous googling? of her name (don't ask).

okay rambling aside, the point is: there was this girl. and i don't really "know know" her but i had aloooot of exposure to her. let's call her *britney.
*googling works both ways, even i know that.

britney was a particularly mean girl. snarky laugh, chiseled upturned nose, 6ft tall legs.. (and that's not even counting how tall the rest of her was): she was the whole shebang. but apparently her perfect exterior, posterior, and all other super-ior aspects did not make her a very happy camper. i think she chanel-ed quite a bit of her unhappiness into buying a lot of designer clothes, shoes, handbags, accessories. we're talking a lot.

any remaining negative energy i suppose was fueled right into her second largest passion: malicious meanness. ah yes, not a student, professor, nor cute visiting foreign-exchange family escaped her cruel sneering comments to her inseparable friend-pack.

one day in the lab, i was writing a research paper and per-usual britney and her driveling friend-pack decided the lab was the perfect place to socialize and be loud.

**i typed their following exact words into my email at school when i heard them so as to not forget

britney: "my super freaking rich step dad just sent me diane von furensburg luggage for my trip to itallyyyyyyy. he even signed it with a little heart.  omg omg, im like seriously 'i love you so much' right now in my head."

friend: "omg, we can't be friends right now, i'm totally serious. my target luggage is going to look so bad next to yours."

it was then... that i felt bad. no more for my poor little self. 
unbeknownst to my cackling adjacencies, their boasting was making me very sad for them. :/
i know they meant something else, something surely more glamorous, but all i could hear was:

-no dad
-new guy whose one claim to fame is being freakishly rich
-traveling halfway across the world, and all someone can muster to write to you is a 'heart'?
-"i love you so much"... but in your head? you can't say it to him?
-you love someone only for what cowhide/leather high price item they can give to you?
-a friend doesn't want to be your friend anymore because of how they will look next to you?


that's all that there is for them... things. 

owned by money. 'owned' by an unmistakable thirst to matter, to mean something by what they have. 


For the love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows. 1Timothy 6:10


in my Bible, for some reason i wrote beside that verse exodus 21:6 about a master piercing a servants ear to show ownership. money also has a way of piercing into your soul and controlling you.


note to self: don't buy the chanel earrings. ;)

time.time.time.

i think we're running all-together quite short of it, these days in our part of the world.
just blink and lo! it shall be spent.

i hear summer's edging away into August or September, and soon will be gone~
tsk, i truly abhor the news. i guess the profession does employ a few, but dreadful all the same.

anyways, at least some have been making use of the rapidly 'flying' time i suppose--
don't call them the birds and the bees for nothing, all right; flit and flight-ing all about!
what were once meadows are swarming locust fields by now~

oh me oh my-- have you seen how the magazines are quite filling up these days?  titles like "150 things you MUST do in your 20's", or "ways to lose weight FAST", and don't let me fail to mention the very popular "Busyness Weekly"--

alas, there is simply no TIME to peruse these imperative reads, we can thank providence surely for download NOW option for 9.99 each!


what. is all. this speeding FOR?! why the great hurry?
(i'm more than a little embarrassed to ask); for you see~

"to stop a running bull in his tracks, is to encounter the horns."

stay

the only song i like by rihanna...

one step.

"Lucky, because I never give up. Gifted, because I don't take shortcuts. Focused, because I see past the finish line. Fastest, because speed is my competition. Legend, because I'm one step ahead."
--Usain Bolt, world's fastest runner.

Hm, what an interesting perspective... is greatness and success not arbitrary, not just graced on selected individuals? One step. That does it? 

It's amazing and inspiring how much such a small distance can make. When I think back over the past year I remember some minuscule deeds and actions of myself and others that resulted in very neat stories...

whether encouragement and flowers for a professor, a compliment from a friend, a simple text on a day I needed it... oh there are too many to list out.... the point is, with a minimal amount of effort a vast difference is made. 

Why not take that extra step? That One Step may win you the mile.

{sigh.}

well, here we are again, blog.
i promise im not a depressing person.

yeah, i know, that's what they all say.

well! pfft fine! that's the thanks i get for updating you!

oh my, i would roll my eyes if i could.

cheap rom-coms and their corresponding eels soundtracks that i (tear) just have to go and google, bring me here.

...

don't judge.

soooooh. lemme guess? what variation of life's "sooo tough" do we have for today?

yes, thank you very much for asking, meany, (sniffle) it is tough, you would know if you had to live it!

i really hope you don't poor out your heart, that's just like seriously crampin all up in my style!



...yeah, computers are not very sympathetic.

and, you would think they would at least use proper english and not all these slang phrases.

i keep hoping

that someday... i can do something. i hope that someday i change something, rather than just write about it.

i have gone in or to a lot of churches in my life. i know for sure over 30, very possibly a bit upwards of that. me, being, as i happily like to call it "art-inclined" i can remember way, way back staring at bulletins when i either "couldn't" or just wasn't understanding the sermon.

some people are good with names, or dates; i can remember images, how things looked.  churches were such places of beauty to my young eyes.  the gorgeous floral arrangements in the front, the women in their Sunday finery, all the men's ties, the heavenly choir robes, stain glass windows, little ones in ribbons and bows, the lush carpet, the smooth wooden pews; i drank it in with amazement. as i got older, new technologies allowed even more exuberance: glossy pictured bulletins, murals, such visually striking power-points, scrolling song backgrounds, lights, music videos, heart-wrenching Skype interviews... flyers that were made with such attention to type-set fonts they belonged in art museum. it was beautiful, just beautiful.

no, i'm not going to say this is wrong, or bad that this is the case in the modern church. i felt like it really enhanced my experience-- if i can say that, without it sounding weird. God is a God of beauty, majesty, splendor! He is the the Creator, the original Designer. is it wrong to be amazed and in a beautiful environment when worshiping Him? resoundingly no!

i get older, and the incredibly annoying thing, is i see and become aware of incredibly horrible things, ugly despicable things i wish i never knew. that tree of knowledge of good and evil? yuck! i wish they would have never taken that bite.

no longer can i be happily unaware even if i wanted to. i guess sometimes i feel guilty; i see this vast "continental divide" so to speak of wealth. i see people living like dogs slaves to sin on the street when we have the most gorgeous and perfect church service.

i guess i just want that change. i get antsy. i can't stand injustice.
and boy, does it sting when you look at in a gold-rimmed bathroom mirror.

i was watching a documentary recently called "Lost Angels: Skid Row is My Home",
( http://www.hulu.com/watch/460340 ) that i wish everyone could see. basically documents the life of people living on the streets and their incredibly wretched situation.

so i suppose what have i proved? that i can complain about a lot of stuff, that i am essentially not doing anything about.  i really am trying to not criticize "the church" for allowing these things, only perhaps a re-evaluation of needs and directives....

i guess....... i just hope that maybe someone will mistakenly read this and it will make a difference, or that God somehow..... lets me help in a way.

well, you're quite the one of resolve, aren't you.

the man who can't be moved.

cant bend a smidgion to the right or a head nod to an apology.

yes, those are ones our heroes are made of;

clodding off into the sunset.

take a good long look boys, can you see?

strong stock, that is.

and stock it will stay.

pride is an ugly weed, poisons a fella straight through~

makes all them accomplishments become

mighty sim'lar to the stuff you wear on the bottom of your shoe.

piano in a lone room

People destroy beauty, with their brazen laughs

Never stop, symphony.

Move around me. As I in this stillness, sleep.

As I in this swirling cosmos for a moment cease.

Tune my ear, oh beauty. I have grown deaf.

Slowly, I do not wish it, but

I fear to lose the only worthwhile sound I know~

Envelop me sweet music. Ye measurer

Of time and place, distance erased,

Travel me.

learning to walk

i'm such a baby sometimes~ a silly little ambitious baby with fists tightly clenched, a scowl of determination across my face, nevermind pudgy legs beneath me that are sure to not hold my weight. oh~ but i set off across the room all right~ i want my toy after all.

sometime i need to learn that learning to walk is not doing it by myself.

Father, how you must watch with crinkled eyes as i make my clumsy rounds-- skinning my knee every once in a while, banging my head on a counter-top. you don't hold my desire against me, you know how i want to walk. how perfectly patient you are, how incredibly loving you are as you lowly call my name.

i do not hear you. i am busy. no time to stop~ off to repeat the process of falling down and getting up.

eventually, i know i must get tired, i'm sure i do. somehow i always end up in a soft bed at night.
maybe in the morning, tomorrow, i will hold your hand as i walk.

arbitrary chronicles

do you ever see new things?

no, i'm not talking about the new "fastest, slimmest, sleekest, lightest, best-est" new iphone that's out;

the stupid new it car; the new movie; the new hit sitcom; the new chewing gum, really anything like that..

maybe the question was poorly worded. i'll try again.

do you ever see new things-- that are assuredly not new, but you have just never seen them before?

ok. yeah that was even worse.

the other day in lecture i witnessed something that was just new and interesting to me. i know it shouldn't have been-- (i blame the incredible dryness of professor H.) but well,

so it's this giant lecture hall with hundreds and hundreds of people, and due to the particular subject this class features... only complete and utter nerds sit in the front up by aforementioned blowhard professor.

oh and me. i sit there too, but... i'm an exception, and i don't really know what i am ;) 

regular people just come in way up in the back entrances and sit close to all the exits.

anyway, one day this super cool kid comes and sits right up in the nerd section! no joke. this is crazy town, folks. mixing up all regulated social norms!? we just cannot have this. let me explain this a bit: this kid's "coolness" was not merely of my own arbitrary judgment, rather i use this term to describe someone that would be universally recognized as your classic all-american, star of the highschool football team, mr. popular, too-cool-for-school type, a.k.a. the kind of kid that never comes to class, except sometimes on exam days... you get the picture.

it was just really strange. no crony bros around anywhere. no earbuds in. no texting under the desk... no leaving after 5 minutes, it literally did not make any sense.

what was interesting to me though is how every once in a while during lecture he would look very slightly to his left and then slightly to his right and then very slowly reach into his jacket pocket all subtle-like. i of course thought it was your basic classic phone move. instead, he would pull out a pair of broken glasses.

just the left side frame was broken. he held them up on his face to see the powerpoint. after a few seconds i think he would get embarrassed by holding them on his face and he would hurriedly slide them back in his pocket before he thought anyone noticed.

i had never seen anyone do that before. it kind of reminded me of the days of the old-fashioned spectacle.

it was very definitely not a thing a "cool" guy would do.


and... well mr. monocle man, you'll never know this,

but,  i for one, thought that was a good thing.

and because you can't carry them anymore

beyoncé is a person

i really like.
equal parts strong and soft.
beautiful and inspiring.

a pang

People pass by slowly,

And then are invisible.

Even the most constant hum upon the ears--

Will, by its consistency, become dull.

Ah! But what of the pain that smoke creates?

Surely that!

Blackening up the lungs and smothering breath;

This vile thing is not forgotten?

Nay; but even this, floats away

Till merely tendrils~ in the tenderest trail.

O why this drift?

Why this ebb of memory?

"Lost but not forgotten" marble always reads;

Though writ in stone, it tells little truth.

Eternal Throne Above,

Oh Thee alone know these all, 

One by one, forgotten.

Bend Thine arm and save that which is Lost!

high hopes

if i could make ONE resolution for (what i have met of) the rest of the world it would be to read this: http://www.wikihow.com/Tell-if-You-Are-Self-Absorbed 

....i've already read it, so i should be good. ;)

joking, joking.

anyways, here are some of my tangible wishes for 2013

network with people. go to more fashion events and ask people how they got to where they are.

make my dream portfolio. (soooo much time)

while we're talking huge tasks... draft up my business plan and detailed design layout to present to a rich investor at a moments notice

make my business card.

have a window-sill herb garden at my new place.

go cross-country ski-ing in the next year! wouldn't that be fun!

have a glass of wine and write a book. write part of a chapter or so in the evenings. it's going to be a very realistic best seller that will make you laugh and cry, break your heart, and then heal it over again

exercise and run races again

definitely thinking zumba class! so much fun!

take a photography class or pottery or metal-smithing

start up my vlog

volunteer/work at a women's crisis center or homeless shelter. i've wanted to do this for so long. time's a waste'in!