things you should try

merci chocolates. they are so delicious, literally the best chocolate i have ever tasted. mmm!

the library. any, but especially this one.

a read that will change how you look at the world:

and

 ron paul for president. http://www.ronpaul2012.com/

sufjan stevens. never thought i would, but love him. note to self: listen to more.

there is a time...

^{i looked at the stars all the way home, and i really mean home, tonight.}

¹ There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven—

 ² A time to give birth and a time to die;
A time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted.
³ A time to kill and a time to heal;
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
⁴ A time to weep and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn and a time to dance.
⁵ A time to throw stones and a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace and a time to shun embracing.
⁶ A time to search and a time to give up as lost;
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
⁷ A time to tear apart and a time to sew together;
A time to be silent and a time to speak.
⁸ A time to love and a time to hate;
A time for war and a time for peace. 

starbucks you make my heart beat fast, but this aint love.

turning nights into day,
stars in the sky, boots in the hay.
you are whatever i want,
anything i need,
cold, ice, warmness creeping through.
instead why don't you match the weather?
you're so untrue.

starbucks you make my heart beat fast, but this aint love.
love isnt a fixation.
love doesn't age me, string me on a high,
make me clear my throat because its so dry.
love doesn't make me unable to sleep at night.
have you forgotten?
so have i.

starbucks you make my heart beat fast, but this aint love.
i stopped growing,
it was you who stunted me.
with your false lies of energy
ruining my concentration,
i thought you were good for me.

starbucks you make my heart beat fast, but this aint love.
so much bitterness, i can taste it,
i drank in your covering of sweetness,
because i wanted to.
raspberry salve is good, but is it not better to not be bruised?

well latte, moo you're not the innocent calf;
i look back with a laugh.
and more empty than full of your caffeine
at least for one, i can glean:

you made my heart beat fast... but that aint love.

still working

ha, pandora, sometimes you are so ironic considering what i'm working on: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8t-I-Lqy06g

psalm 56

Be gracious to me, O God, for man has trampled upon me; fighting all day long he oppresses me. My foes have trampled upon me all day long, for they are many who fight proudly against me. When I am afraid, I will put my trust in You. In God, whose word I praise, in God I have put my trust; I shall not be afraid. What can mere man do to me? All day long they distort my words; all their thoughts are against me for evil. They attack, they lurk, they watch my steps, as they have waited to take my life. Because of wickedness, cast them forth, in anger put down the peoples, O God!

You have taken account of my wanderings; put my tears in Your bottle. Are they not in Your book?

Then my enemies will turn back in the day when I call; this I know, that God is for me. In God, whose word I praise, in the LORD, whose word I praise, in God I have put my trust, I shall not be afraid.

What can man do to me? Your vows are binding upon me, O God; I will render thank offerings to You.

For You have delivered my soul from death, indeed my feet from stumbling, so that I may walk before God in the light of the living.

photo credit/or to buy:
http://www.etsy.com/listing/77289116/tiny-bottle-of-seaglass-pendant-necklace

autumn bus stop

leaves with an ardency, akin to fury,  rush down hitting my face,

angrily removed from loftier heights by the direct of time.

groaning, gasping wind seeking cracks in bricks, and jacket rips

riled: wanting where it is not, unsatisfied.


people stand blowing breath, like impatient horses;

and hands bearing pulse, made only to

touch

shoved far down, encased deep into pockets.

God bless the last ones

 nick vujicic is one of my heroes and i just like this song.

~My friend Taylor she's an angel Ten years old and beautiful She's a living, breathing miracle And she proves it everyday 'Cause the odds were stacked against her from the day that she arrived here And the doctors told her mom and dad she'd always be that way And I confess when I first met her I was thinking life's not fair But then she wrapped her arms around my neck And it all became so clear

God bless the last ones

One day Taylor sent me a picture from her Special Olympics race And I could tell just by the looks of it she was coming in last place But she crossed that finish line with a smile upon her face as if to say

God bless the last ones

Maybe the last ones are the lucky ones The ones who got this whole thing figured out 'Cause when they go looking for something beautiful They start looking from the inside out

On our way into the restaurant we passed a homeless man He was half drunk and half asleep with a paper cup in his hand And I confess when I first saw him I was thinking life's not fair But then Taylor reached out and wrapped her arms around his neck And it all became so clear

God bless the last ones

I wish we could all be the lucky ones The ones who've got this whole thing figured out Maybe the next time we go looking for beautiful we'll try looking from the inside out

God bless the last ones~

curly hair girls represent!

i don't care if anyone else in the world likes her hair, i love it. it's so free..... and genunine like her. beautiful.

and that song, it makes my heart roll back a bit.

it's kind of hard

to look on the brightside sometimes.

so... on and off over the last two weeks i have tried to see the good in some of life's unpleasantness... and have found surprisingly many.

i remember one such realization came the day i went to a retreat. i spent the whole 3.4 miles on foot (carrying 4 heavy odd shaped and overstuffed bags & bedding) UPHILL, also may i mention, beside a busy road with leering drivers--with improper footwear on, (and i don't mean the drivers had improper footwear, either! ....but they probably did. meanies.) to the destination where we would be leaving for said retreat.

all that very long sentence to say, i spent every step of that walk of doom saying in my head "crap, crap, crap, crap... " yep, every step. strangely, at the time, i didn't see a thing wrong with this. 

*okay. the hill wasn't so steep that the sidewalk had steps, but... ;)

it was painful, and hurt to be honest. also it was just plain humiliating. i looked like a dork carrying all of that and it didn't help to become expressly notified of this in chicer terms or worse doppler-effect laughing. plus, it's annoying in the first place to not just be able to have transportation.

it wasn't until later that night that i started thinking about my thought life. so somehow it was okay to basically curse every step of the way to a christian camp just because you're annoyed or humiliated? no. that's so obvious when you put it right next to each other. cursing on the way to christian camp?! yikes. cringe worthy.

+also did i mention my retreat had been paid for, i indeed had a ride--moreover one with wonderful people, my boss gave me three days off when i was scheduled to work, ....and when it comes down to it, i was fortunate enough to own things to carry, and what's more--had a set of legs to even let me walk up that hill.

...but it still hurt at the time.
so do we do that in life? refuse to be thankful?

case in point: 2:21AM: this morning: i'm the only one home. two drunk guys from the party next door pound at our door for a solid two minutes, and then peed under our door. i cannot see the brightside of this. anymeans. soaked our rug. as i clean it up, in our dark kitchen, half afraid, and half wondering what i ever did to them [nothing]. i cannot see any redeeming value.

i was angry all day.

until now, what? ten o clock.

i realize.... maybe i needed it to make me humble.

down on my knees cleaning up someone else's urine, you feel pretty degraded. but truely, God, i think i needed that. 

well

i'm in the lab, again. and shh! it's after hours, but no one is in sight. will probably be here the rest of the night.

...i'm not sure why i had to write that, just to document my life as it dwindles away, i 'suppose.

this happy little song came on my pandora:

reminds me of summer and france.

back to this totally extensive illustrator project.

quote

thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does the work.   mark twain (1835 - 1910) 

beloved

place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame. song of solomon 8:6

like dust blown away...

i'm sitting here on my bed just thinking, and searching the internet. my little black lamp is on. i just want to write and write and write. sometimes what i'm thinking about is a caged animal. i can only think about it and let it out when i have the time. one of the things i just keep thinking about is forgiveness. i randomly image searched forgiveness... it's the most beautiful thing ever. i think someone rightly said we are most like God, most divine when we forgive. it really is an almost incomprehensible supernatural subject.. that God forgives... us.. and that we can even somehow forgive. i clipped a couple images that make me think about what it is that i just really want to get out in this i guess... not that i understand. 

i challenge you to just look really hard at these pictures and see beyond them. read each picture before my silly words. these are just my thoughts~

#1 well the first, i am just struck by the seaming effortlessness.. when to forgive, for me, is oh so hard, but for God~ how light and airy what is forgiven floats away.. to nothingness, how He removes our sin as far as the east is from the west and remembers no more. also, this picture makes me think of how on our part, when we forgive, it is letting go of what you really cannot hold on to in the first place.

#2 all the medicine you need.. wow, is this true... i think of how the Bible says once for all He died for our sins. once! that is the most incredible cure-all. all that we have ever done and ever will do covered. when i look again, i think how we in this world take so many drugs, so many medicines... heart medicines, depression medicines.. we are crazy on pills. have a problem, simply pop a pill, maybe that will fix it. maybe we need to forgive. would forgiveness of others make us live longer and eradicate medical conditions? i don't know, but it will cure our heart of hatred and bitterness and hurt.

#3 i just get lost in this picture for a multitude of reasons. it really is so beautiful and i want to go there, moreover i feel like its meaning is staggering. the bridge of forgiveness. we go out on a limb when we forgive, we literally build something hard, and dangerous for us.. our effort for resolution could not reach a receptive shore, they might not be even sorry. moreover, if it is true forgiveness, we have to leave the bridge up and allow ourselves the possibility of being hurt again by that person we forgave. my mind is also drawn toward one other beautiful bridge... the cross. stretched across a chasm of eternal punishment, Christ laid down his life on a cross that we might be forgiven.

#4 forgiveness is choosing to not remember the ugly. even when it was real. when i look at this picture i think of a beautiful artwork of hearts~ created from the barbwire from a concentration camp. it's almost disturbing what and the lengths to which Forgiveness forgives... it chooses to bloody it's fingers, slowly bending the sharp painful barbs of wire that were once used to torture it into a piece of love.

#5 i think of humility. the words make a story unfold before me of a bitter husband raking his elderly wife over the coals for a simple mistake and how she simply and beautifully said... "i'm sorry dear, i'm still learning." still learning, ..being willing to learn when more than half of your life is over. this astounds me. how often i have come into God's presence and cried out "forgive me father, i'm just a child!" why do we not give others the grace that God gives us. humility is intertwined with forgiveness... you must be humble to ask for it, and able to be humble to give it to another.

#6 myself as a child at a chalkboard with a whine.... "how many times do i have to?" then the scene shifts as i stand before the chalkboard of life, where i must perform: this time with a far more insurmountable problem: forgive~ how many times do i have to? hmm.. i look at this picture once more.. i think of one more thing. my sins, oh my sins. they are many like chalk dust~... blown far away.

I have swept away your offenses like a cloud, your sins like the morning mist. isaiah 44:22

vendo-land

so God is no way a genie in a bottle or a slot machine we can just put our good deeds or prayers into an receive a reward... but sometimes, he works like vending machines. yesterday i was very hungry...starving even (more accurately malnourished on solely peanut butter sandwiches and noodles.. and payday is a long way coming) and stopped by the vending machines at school between classes. i had three dollar bills in my wallet. {uh oh.} i usually try to keep those un-spent in case i run into trouble, needed to pay a tip, cab, public phone, bad guy, ect. but i was just too tempted and vendo-land seemed strangely beautiful, (not to mention has an ice cream vending machine with a mechanical arm as well, but that's another story). i determined beforehand i would make good choices, so i bit my lip, and stepped up to the third machine on the right. yes, there, $2.75 was a chicken sandwich in a wrapper. shunning all other candy, delectable treats, and caffeine-induced energy; i put in my last three dollars. i needed this, i can't remember the last time i had protein.  i consciously thought, i'm embarrassed to admit, what was i going to do in case of an emergency or next time i don't have food at the apartment? the machine whirred and then dropped my sandwich down into the drawer. i thought about pushing the coin return button.. after all, it's my quarter, thank you very much! i didn't though, that's what i would have usually done. i just bent down got my sandwich out of the door. *clink, clink, clink... coins were dropping into the coin return. *clink, clink, clink, clink.. okay, i think that was more than the sound one quarter makes. i hear coins keep dropping. almost afraid, i just kind of stand there. did i break the machine? (quick look around) did i just hit the jackpot? no, i tell myself, it probably is just malfunctioning and giving me my change back in dimes and nickles (which it does deposit change in at times). it keeps dropping coins. *clink, clink, clink, clink, clink, clink, clink..faster.. at this point, i don't open the little metal coin door because i don't want it to stop. *clink, clink... finally, complete silence. i open the door and not only all the money i paid for my sandwich was there but also a TON more change! not just any change, but QUARTERS! i couldn't believe it.

God provided for me. a wave of thoughts flooded my head. i thought of joseph~ returning all of his brothers money back with them in their bags of grain, of the children of israel picking up mana every day, i thought of the parable of the lost coin~how precious it was to her. He cared about me. my little~ He made much of. He gave me my daily bread.

He ASTOUNDS us with his goodness... and then! ...and then, how quickly we forget..

my memory apparently wasn't functioning well, at all. the next day, {today} i am drawn to vendo-land again. i think i'm thinking i'm going to "rub the bottle again and the genie will come out"...so to speak, create the same stimuli and get the desired response. {in case you're not getting it, let me spell that out for you: g r e e d.} something catches my eye, first machine on the left. a lemon vitamin water was stuck inside sideways up against the glass, apparently a machine error. i banged on the glass, it budged enough to fall leaning on a blue propel/gatorade or something. here's my chance another free thing! i shake the door, no luck, and then put in my money and hit C08 ~ the blue propel, thinking that will push the lemon vitamin water down as well, thus getting two drinks with my money! no such magic... no propel, no lemon vitamin water, no refund. arrg. this is annoying. it ate MY MONEY! i was mad. where's the customer service number for this stupid machine. i kinda tapped my foot even and sighed loud. urg. and my money too!, my money... do you know how poor i am, i could have used that!? i turned the phrase over in my head.... no, something wasn't sounding right... oh. oh yeah...my money?... wasn't this the same money that God gave me yesterday? the same quarters? i mentally slap myself. i'm so stupid. so ungrateful. why do i worry? its up to God anyway.

i just felt. i don't know, overwhelming [[trust]]. right then.

and not just about the providing me vending machine items, just in regards to a lot on my mind.... i turn around to leave. a man with olive green coveralls comes around corner. "hey, your machine got stuck? here, have some change."

...no joke. wow.................... God.

these are my vice verses..

who

if Jesus walked the earth today who would he touch?

the stoners?

the sorority girls?

would he touch hands like these?

but they're doing it to themselves! they're horrible people! they don't deserve us reaching out to them...

"And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God."

There is such pain in their lives, if it's hard at first, which it will be,
just bend a knee... and then,
roll up your sleeves and go get a towel. 

{...}

make me as a bird chained to the sky~ bound to what i was created for...

that's the risk

you take. if people were to know what you were really like would they still love you?

take our

raised hands~God, from self-righteous fists

to arms outstretched in complete dependence.

from the champion... to the child~

we are nothing without you.

it is your voice

that whispers to me late at night and wee hours of morning. i hate you and everything you stand for, yet am mesmerized by you &your sinister offer of perfection.

 

looking into God's mirror is far less cruel than society's, and much more important. sometimes i'm just reading something and feel him saying "I wouldn't change a thing about you. proof: I didn't!" :)

How amazing are your thoughts concerning me, God!
   How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them,
   they would outnumber the grains of sand—
   when I awake, I am still with you. Psalm 139:17-18

turn it loud.. its music friday

this would be me.

in the "fish out of water, making a big leap, no longer a small fish in a small cup, and don't know anybody in the other bowl" sort of way.

so much

to think about. so why don't i blog.
in no particular order: (imagine following thought processes as angel thin linguine unraveled from something like a double helix)

~today's a day that i look back and think 'i actually made some really wise decisions.' decisions by myself that were beyond me and my maturity level at the time. thanks be to God!

~if in 1 shift i make 2,000 for the company, why do i make so little?

~what could even be the reasons possible for me not being able to say no? rejection, fear, loss of worth? but at least consciously- none of these are important to me. i think i just don't like hurting peoples feelings

~i really need to work out. the race is not always to the fast but to they that keep running.

~you know what, you would be more convincing if you wouldn't follow statements with "at least in my opinion, for me that's the case, or i kinda think." let people decide-- without shooting yourself in the foot. it's understood that it's only your opinion, to outright mention it, it's weakening.

~who is surrendering themselves-- God to letting you do your thing, or you to Him?

~we are Gods Opus. a beautiful swirling symphony.

~my fingers wore away the center of the rubber on the leftclick key of my laptop.

~God didn't market himself well at all as a leader would today. he had the lowliest of births, the grossest and dumbest people and friends as followers. the meekest approach to everything. He completely turned the world on end, rightside up.

~there is hope.

day in the life

{finals week}
9:45 barely wake up. stayed awake most of night/day before. try to find clothes and the match to shoe. get ready,pile 20 pounds books supplies and computer into bag.
10:30 high-tail it out down interstate to be filmed for kirkwood. avoided cop speed trap.
11:00 find parking spot. i was supposed to be at appt.
11:10 get to 102. late. out of breath. horrible hair. he was a really nice interviewer but young i got soso nervous. i kept messing up my words. horrible, not making this up. caught on film and impression for all eternity.
12:00 stats class with my incredibly good looking professor--his best color is red! we did group work that I am nervous about--still have not finished.
1:00 comp class-- nervous to go because do not have my part of powerpoint done and have not turned in proposal that was due long time ago. still went.
1:50 walk all the way from cedar to linn parking lot outside with little tee on. very cold. see someone i see all the time but they always look at their feet. awkward all around. try to find car. go home incredibly stressed, call mother. get text on the road from person at work wanting me to work for them.
2-4 run around with my head cut of at home/eat/get ready/yell at mom just because stressed/and try to figure out if i can add yet another thing to schedule. then phone call from friend wanting project info from last year buried somewhere in my computer.
4:30 jump in car to charge to dress rehearsal.
5:00 sit around waiting and then learn two routines.. don't know them very well.am i going to be able to do this day of show?
6:30 have to leave when it's just really starting to get going and real run-thru. people are probably mad.
7:15 get to hair appt. ONLY time hair appt would work before show and london. highlights and cut. lied about where i live. loser. generally was pretty nice for a brittney, nicest i've ever met. thank God text person doesn't still want me to come into work.
8:45 done, give 8 dollar tip, because i determined beforehand i would not overtip (like always)except now in this case, probably should have. new customer: write down address-- have to write home. caught in lie.
9:00 home. jiggity-ji... nevermind. people are mad at me.remember because i yelled?
11:04 sorry to everyone. and sorry for me. and i'm too tired to make people believe that i really do mean it.

congrats you have become

my most played remix!

tell me i'm not the only one??

 "Signs of a sidewalk rager include muttering or bumping into others; uncaringly hogging a walking lane; and acting in a hostile manner by staring, giving a "mean face" or approaching others too closely" hehe, totally did that today. not. :) but there was an extremely slow walker that i somehow got stuck behind for QUITE A WHILE (including but not limited to multiple hallways and 2 flights of stairs) at school. you can't tell me no one else ever feels the same??

i mean, it's a real condition! :):
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748703786804576138261177599114.html

like a sky without stars...

i found this beautiful picture while perusing online, and i don't think i've ever seen a face nearly this pretty.

of course i thought this was beautiful and of a most singular nature and i stared at it a very long time. as i scrolled down i noticed some dumbo in the comments section below the photo thought to say "GEE I bet SHE had insecurity issues when she was younger!tehe"

why don't we accept beauty? as it really is, how it occurs without makeup, surgery, photoshop? why do we need articles like this? who is making us try to strip away everything about ourselves?
is it us?

stop.

can i have a dollar for me?

really want:

http://www.tobi.com/product/35351-keds-champion-saddle-sneakers?color_id=43977

wouldn't they really be perfect with skinny jeans! .. i almost don't want anyone else to discover them. :S

when you're blue...

don't listen to adele. but then again, who am i to talk?

{random 7}

things that i found out recently:

1. i ebbbbbbbbay!

2. electric security fences, as found in prisons, do not cause sparks in rainstorms.

3. i can do new things! never saw myself in the group leader dynamic, but i randomly took charge and assigned everyone jobs in class today (*and* they didn't hate me!)

4. i'm planning on dying my hair this year or next

5. pinetrest.com is a fun time! also mint.com

6. chatting or acknowledging strangers live or phone does not scare me. note: does not apply to internet (fb chat, die.)

7. i am an old lady because i think michael buble seems.. just so* dependable! gasp*

this is not about steve jobs and bill gates

other people's lives make me really curious sometimes. most of the time i don't envy them (though sometimes the way i imagine them,i do). alot of the time i wonder what kind of things they are embarrassed by, or what factor controls their life, or how it feels to be them. it's just very weird to think about. i know my life has been composed of different feelings or at least ones that i contribute to different times.
when i was 6 i was prideful and shy
when i was 10 i wanted to understand
when i was 13 and 14 i was very sad, and confused
15-16 i wanted so much to be beautiful and to be liked
17 i don't remember
18 i felt so young, horribly young. i also felt so stubborn.
19 i felt behind already in life.
20 i feel creative,

how do people feel about themselves? it's not like someone can just post a status update-- at this point of my life i just feel.. uninformed ,and this manifests itself in every area of my life.' you know, hm.


better question is how do these guys feel?

while it's still today

(15 min after valentine's) i will listen to my valentine playlist--songs that remind me of the people i love more than any other people.

dad: "tomorrow"
mom: "first day of my life"
jedidiah: "daylight"
josiah: "you've got a friend in me"
micah: "baby, baby"

i think i will feel a little bit sad and happy, and go to bed.

inspiration

i love to be inspired. sometimes i feel like i cannot exist if i am not inspired. for whatever reason known only to God, 'm just set up that way. pep talks, success stories, encouragement, poetry, songs, quotes, are all more than just empty verbage to me, they fill me with varying amounts of brief hope to continue on. The longer i live, the more i realize how very odd this is. save my father, i know virtually no one else that is "fuled" this way.
nearly everyone seems to have a more reward-based drive. and what I mean by that is that they feel complete and happy when they have either accomplished a task, recieved recognition, or have some sort of tangible, measurable progress on a goal. i guess that's too definitive for me. i like a road open before me. i can feel happy in working toward a goal, testing my limits, or in knowing it is possible. sometimes i think people would be happier if they could see the joy and beauty in things even if they haven't recieved their reward yet (even if they never do)... life's a process-- you can't measure it by your successes and failures! what do you do with all the in-between parts?

you know what?

i want to pray more.

i want to help my family.

i want to climb a mountain.

i am amazed that God's love never (and cannot) fail.

beauty

do you see that tree?
do you like that tree?
now look at that tree, do you like it?
do you say this tree is not pretty because it does not look like this one?
do you say this one is ugly because it looks not like others?
you're a tree, i'm a tree.
love your tree.
--nairobi woman

cloud diagrams

...are how i think, so i put what i want to accomplish in 2011 in little circles relating to one another with this really cool free trial (which i loove) of gliffy.

as i was going over it, i realized how kinda selfish most of it was... so the little clouds are what i think heaven would be more proud of.