down in the valley

O Lord, you have searched me and known me!
You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
    you discern my thoughts from afar.
You search out my path and my lying down
    and are acquainted with all my ways.
Even before a word is on my tongue,
    behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.
You hem me in, behind and before,
    and lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
    it is high; I cannot attain it.

Where shall I go from your Spirit?
    Or where shall I flee from your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
    If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
If I take the wings of the morning
    and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
even there your hand shall lead me,
    and your right hand shall hold me.
If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
    and the light about me be night,”
even the darkness is not dark to you;
    the night is bright as the day,
    for darkness is as light with you.

For you formed my inward parts;
    you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
    my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
    intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
    the days that were formed for me,
    when as yet there was none of them.

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
    How vast is the sum of them!
If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
    I awake, and I am still with you.

Search me, O God, and know my heart!
    Try me and know my thoughts!
And see if there be any grievous way in me,
    and lead me in the way everlasting!

stubborn love

...and no, i don't mean the song by the same name. but... let's just put it in there, because i love it. ;)

i think it's interesting that the ancient greeks made all their gods imperfect and irrational. every single one of them. they got angry over little insults; they let their lusts carry them away (zeus; aphrodite and ares); they would steal from each other (hermes); they got into petty feuds with one another (zeus and hera). 

it's interesting to me how even in our much more modern development of powerful "superheroes"~ all still have their fatal flaws. it's like someone out there was saying "we can't make them tooo perfect, or no one will believe it." and there you have it, boom: #relatable was born. ;)

but, i mean i get it. i actually really appreciate some of the stories in the bible for instance, that really showed people in their humanness... and how God worked though that anyway.

i mean you have moses who couldn't speak,gideon who was totally afraid,peter who was an idiot hothead,david who was an adulturous murder,and lazarus who was dead, for heaven's sake.

don't tell me that God can't use flawed people, cause i know he can.

i couldn't agree more with the 18th century hymn writers... and echo their "prone to wander Lord I feel it". i may or may not have a reputation of being 'difficult' especially with the people that love me. spiritually, i often feel like who am i for God to use me. i've been timid, i've been hot-headed, i've been hateful, i've been all flaws combined at one time or another.  

i am so thankful i have a God that runs after me with that boundless measure of stubborn love when i am just being stupid.

what better allegory of our Father's love than the story of the prodigal son from luke 15:


20 “But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.

21 “The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’

22 “But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. 23 Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. 24 For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’

God, thanks for not giving up on me. ❤ 

thoughts on the last mile

"why am i doing this???" ever had this feeling? 

...maybe the realization hits when staring at an endless assortment of liquid detergent options in the grocery store, or downing that umpteenth cup of coffee to make it through the day... or the 3rd time in an hour G.D.F.R. comes on your hip-hop workout station (okay, that was oddly specific). 

in all seriousness though, i guess when i think about it, i've had many instances at different memorable points throughout my life that i'm like: "hold up, wait.... what!?" 

want to know the weird thing? i haven't had that feeling very recently. for the most part, life has generally been looking up... i've been looking up a lot. lol :)

anyways, probably the "why am i doing this" moment of late that i've been having usually transpires on the last mile of my training runs. i'm hot, i'm sweaty, i'm dying, and the manager keeps walking by (probably to make sure i'm not, in fact, actually dying). yeah, i just want to stop.  why am i doing this? oh yeah, some kind of race, wasn't it... or means of self-torture, one of the two! ;)    

one of the things i was thinking about yesterday is how it's kind of surprising how many verses in the Bible compare the Christian life to a race.

i mean of all comparisons, i get the whole 'life is a battle' comparison... with real physical & spiritual warfare etc. i even understand the various farming comparisons... that there is a lot of planting and waiting for things to grow. it makes sense to me that a lot examples would be centered around aspects vital to survival.

hmm but running a race? doesn't that seem a little odd to you? it's a little too sportsy isn't it? ;) i mean that would be like the Bible using [whatever that ancient greek basketball game is called] as an analogy.

anyways that being said: just initially, four things stood out to me about this comparison:

PACE-- spiritual life is like a race where moving is important. some people are jogging, some are walking, and some are sitting on the sidelines as spectators. Hebrews 12 does a good job emphasizing it is important to run with perseverance. it seems to me like the half-hearted approach is really not what God is looking for.

ENCOURAGEMENT-- spiritual life also needs some motivation, some "fuel" if you will, for the race. often this fuel comes from God as well as from other people. we need a reason for doing what we are doing. Hebrews 12 mentions being surrounded "by so great a cloud of witnesses", it is considerably easier to "keep on keepin on" with good people in your life.

DIFFICULTIES-- spiritual life is not without its many difficulties. there are a lot of things that "hinder us". sometimes it's sin, sometimes unbelief, sometimes just cares of the world weighing us down...

PRIZES-- spiritual life does have an end goal. after all, if there wasn't something positive at the end, something important to look forward to, why would one bother running? 1 Corinthians 9 and Philippians 3 talk a lot about the 'prize' in sight.


anyway, i would write more...  but i'm getting really really reeeeaaaallly tired.


that's all folks.

synesthesia

good thought.

'turning toward'

so recently i was thinking about an article i read on buzzfeed a few months ago.

yeah, i know, i know! i shouldn't be reading buzzfeed as a valid source of news or really any factual information. to you i say: chill. i am aware of that, get off my back.

(more than likely, it was probably something in the endless facebook quiz feed  your annoying 2nd-cousin-twice-removed's middle-age aunt posted). [eye-roll.]

anyway, i thought this aforementioned article was obviously deserving mention for two main reasons:
#1.) months later, i actually remembered this dumb article!!
#2.) the sheer unlikelihood of #1. happening.

basically this article talks about what is the "secret" of long-term marriages. one thing they cited (does buzzfeed even cite things?!) was the strong correlation between couples that "turn toward one another" after a 'fishing' type behavior, and between the marriages that actually lasted.

an example of a fishing behavior would be the guy/girl saying "ah, nice day we've been having". at first glance, a truly pointless statement. first, it does not really share any meaningful information. second, it does not ask any question to the other, even requiring a response. the buzzfeed article argues this is a subliminal "fishing" line cast~ and is now up to the other person whether they "turn in" for a bite.

anyone else feel like i'm describing something on animal planet? ugh sorry. i think i've explained it enough. summary line: buzzfeed was saying that couples that made the effort to "turn toward" one another emotionally were the ones that lasted and had happy marriages.

whether or not this is the case, i'm sure Lord only knows, and it really doesn't have all that much relevance to me... but still. i want to be a more "turning toward" type of person.

i think these past couple weeks i've done a tiny bit better. i can't tell you how many times in the past [read: very many] i have accidentally totally blown people off that were trying to talk to me. it's really not intentional, i am such a busy person and feel like i'm constantly running around with my head cut-off.

it just happens. then, i'll be charging down the interstate much later and be like 'ohhhhhh, that so & so was really trying hard to start a conversation with me and i was running 10mph carrying 20lbs of crap in the other direction and running to a meeting.'

so yeah. busyness could account for 95% of the problem (and i am working to cut down on that) but... that other 5%?

i guess i don't like being vulnerable.

i don't want to get hurt again.

i don't like exposing myself...

but anyway, i guess it's good for me, albeit not pleasant. case in point: a friend that i really started opening up to and being real with, called me fat. there's a whole story to it, yes... but no joke. i know it shouldn't have, but it did hurt my feelings. (i mean, who says that other than mean jealousy girls?!)

sometimes when you spend time investing in someone (leaning in, 'turning toward' behaviors) it *does* result in the person taking the bite... and then sometimes chomping down much too hard. it's essentially letting someone close enough to hurt you.

[[edit]]
ok, i found the article. turns out it's not buzzfeed, but hey, you know all about what i'm talking about now. ;)

may

ah that sentimental time of year when all the little high school seniors are hatching and ready to spread their wings to the world.

i can remember those days.. (albeit though they become increasingly blurry, year to year.)

oh yeah and that song 'i hope you dance'... yes, that.

for all it's sappy tear-inducing guilt-trip type qualities in the guise of being inspirational-- i wonder if it is really the best advice, you know to tell these young impressionable people?

"And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance. I hope you dance... I hope you dance."

just throwing it out there, i've had to sit out a few dances {metaphorically} in life since then. (plus non-metaphorically i'm not going to win dancing with the stars anytime soon! --that was a joke, in case you missed it lol ;)

sometimes the very best decision you can make is to step back, let go, and let God. i feel like part of being an adult is being able to accept there is often a waiting period. and, being okay with that.

but anyway, how these thoughts even got here in the first place is i heard this song on the radio:

and i was just thinking how i would much i prefer it over lee ann womack's crooning any day. it just would be a better graduation song all around. 

hope is the thing with feathers

unfortunately this is the sentiment expected of me most of my life. which is fine, i guess. i mean, actions have consequences, blardee blar ... and even unforeseeable circumstances... those also require a certain measure of "just deal" aptitude.

yeah, well i've pretty much got that down.
(so down, i could take it on down to downtown!)

okay.. i don't know where that came from, moving on....

basically, i have learned to just "deal with it" so "well" that no one ever knows i'm struggling. and that's not a good thing.

i don't ask for help, i'm "strong" all right... i just push it all down, shoulder as much as i can, and stick my best smile on my face.

i really don't like whiners, or complainers, and negative nancy's so i suppose that could be partly why i never clue people in. i guess deep down i don't want to be like that so i think presenting a false view of reality is the next best thing?

i don't know, doesn't make much sense to me, either.

two weeks ago a guy a work said these exact words to me, "geez, (name), you really have it all together don't you, you make the rest of us look bad!"

though the conversation was about fashion and (very obviously) a joke, i totally responded a little too emphatically (probably based on the week I had just gone through) with a major "no, i sooo DO NOT have it all together!!!", which everyone thought was hilarious.

i can definitely see the humor of it, but really.. that's the last thing i want people to think of me. just because i don't wave all my dirty laundry in everyone's face and whine about my life doesn't mean it's not difficult, really stressful, and hard to handle everything.

frankly, i have days where i feel like a beatup dog continually running back to his cruel master for more.

i think i need to do better with that balance of opening up to be real about stuff.

the few times i do though, seriously... people either 1.) think i have lost it and am off my rocker or 2). kindly say some variant of "pull your big girl panties up, and deal with it."

either way, i always end up feeling guilty that i'm not perfect, and regret ever letting my guard down.

greener grass

ah, disorder,
... how you do sneak up! "everything tends toward chaos." (2nd law of thermodynamics, anyone?)
this i know full well.

but when's the last time you actually saw entropy taking place in real-time?

see, that's what i mean: it definitely happens, but you never see it 'til it's too late. in a way, life can be like a nightmare vaguely similar to a 90's kid's show. "who made this big mess?" oh, that's right, me.

don't hang up your clothes for a few days.... and oh look now it is a monstrous pile on the floor of the closet.
don't water the house plants for a couple weeks.... oh look they were not cactus's, and they are dead.

unfortunately people, and more largely, relationships also strongly tend toward disorder. this really bugs me. i've never been very good at keeping up with people. yeah pen-pals in 6th grade {cringe} ...that did not go well for me. today, i can count on my hands the number of people i talk to that were my friends in highschool (and probably all of them, it's because they make an effort to talk to me). it's not that i'm some horrible bad uncaring person; hear me out: it's really just that i'm not all that needy.
needy... in the sense of desperately needing people. whether for the good or the bad (probably bad), i'm kind of just more self-sufficient.

i'm the type of person that ever since forever i've been the girl that had a plan for exactly what i wanted to do with my life and how i was going to get there and what i would be wearing once i arrived. everyone always asked me for help in college because i seemingly "had it all together".

recently, about 6 months ago, not to really go into it, but God brought me to a place in life of giving the control of my life back over to Him. it's been humbling, hard, kinda confusing, but good.

so anyway... i guess where i go wrong is just assuming that relationships don't take any effort. thinking that i just left a happy interpersonal connection with someone a week ago or a year ago.. that we are going to be able to just pick up from the same spot we left off. i think that way, but unfortunately that isn't the way it works.

leave a garden unattended, and the weeds will choke out anything desirable.

oh, for time to make the effort & effort to make the time.

new things to come

so....
-you wont find a girl instagraming #imsuchaproverbs31woman to her morning bible study here.
-i don't have any perfectly manicured photos holding poor African children.
-i also didn't attend a christian university & do not have a M.R.S. degree in wifemakery (i would probably be on academic probation if i tried!)

sorry. instead, if you got to know me you will probably come to find out:

-i've made some mistakes in life.
-i've regrettably even made some conscious choices to make mistakes.
-and (shocker) i am not at all perfect.

yes, you read that right~ i'm actually human.

i'm only human... and i bleeeeeeed when i fall downn. okay okay i'll spare you the singing.

i'm really just a girl saved by grace.

and i guess the only guarantees i can feebly offer are that:
1.) on this blog and also in life i *try* to be real about my life~ it's complexities and struggles/ the joy's and the pain's. i'm thankful God doesn't leave me at the point i'm at, but helps me to grow.

& 2.) i usually write in all lowercase.

maybe you'll like it maybe you won't. i don't really know. i happen to think God's not finished with me yet and i'm looking forward to seeing what He has in store! :)

here's to 2015 y'all.