nicks, burns, and fenders

'i could just... kick myself.' ah, said those words a few too many times.
and lets not even talk about regrets, i have surprisingly many for someone that doesn't believe in living life looking backwards. all the same~ ideology aside, they're there. p e r m a n e n t . and ugly.

this summer i had the chance to be home for a brief bit, which was (let me tell you!) wonderful. but, i don't know if many would understand this, at the same time it was very memory-inducing, if that's even a thing. i blame you, vile cardboard boxes!

memories are a good thing, most of the time. and if you're perfect: all the time, i suppose~
but sometimes for those of the other 99% of the population that came down with the streak of stupid, not. so. much.

i mean, for one, i have only to look around the house to see a historical record of some of my young atrocities. at the kitchen counter is the large circular burn ring from the time i hastily yanked a boiling-over pan off the burner.. and onto the flammable laminate beside it.  the ugly scar of sorts is there to date. might not seam like a big deal, but it really bothers me.

there are things that really can't be fixed. things that were caused by me. my intentional or unintentional stupidity that others had to suffer for. maybe it's that i'm getting older or learning to take responsibility but it's painful to think on these things now.

the age-old: 'view from the valley before the perspective of a hill.' and yeah.. i know, then even the hill looks different in 20 years.

oh i can remember the times i swelled with joy at the feeling of parent's car keys hitting my hot little teenager hands. yes! i was independent! i was free! i could drive alone! one day to my dismay, when i returned from whatever activity or another, a nasty dent was waiting for me on the rear bumper by some hit and run. i had ruined my parents car!! well, not me, but some other idiotic student driver like myself. ugh. i shake my head now. why?! driving alone's not that fun anyway! why was i so stupid? i could have just as easily let my parents drop me off back then, with no chance of that happening. 

i definitely feel really bad about all of these things. and it gets me thinking... what about things not so tangible? where's the insurance payout for the internal damage i've left on others feelings, hearts...
what nicks and burns and fender benders have i inflicted deep upon others?

i guess i'm really thankful for God (and people like my parents!) who don't just overlook my mistakes but choose to forgive. the Bible says that 'love keeps no record of wrongs'...

for this i am so thankful...
especially when they are (very visibly) permanently etched into a counter top or dented into your car.


❤

learning to walk

i'm such a baby sometimes~ a silly little ambitious baby with fists tightly clenched, a scowl of determination across my face, nevermind pudgy legs beneath me that are sure to not hold my weight. oh~ but i set off across the room all right~ i want my toy after all.

sometime i need to learn that learning to walk is not doing it by myself.

Father, how you must watch with crinkled eyes as i make my clumsy rounds-- skinning my knee every once in a while, banging my head on a counter-top. you don't hold my desire against me, you know how i want to walk. how perfectly patient you are, how incredibly loving you are as you lowly call my name.

i do not hear you. i am busy. no time to stop~ off to repeat the process of falling down and getting up.

eventually, i know i must get tired, i'm sure i do. somehow i always end up in a soft bed at night.
maybe in the morning, tomorrow, i will hold your hand as i walk.

i'm pretty sure...

if i met mr. right i would blow him off.
probably because i just met mr. adorable-trying-to-talk-to-me-at-a-coffee-shop-but-i-was-too-busy-and-frankly-unaware-of-what-was-going-on-:(

all i have to say is mr. right better be able to deal with initial rejection.

sorry.
+
in other related news, these delightful songs remind me of books, sweaters, and coffee shops:

i want no power

i want no power;
i have no aim.
ruling is such an unpleasant game.
as i hate to say i love, for i really do--
i love only to follow and learn too.
words such as this! ach! burn them alive.


and, were i to say things as these a-loud?!
better to have stood on my head and meowed!

starbucks you make my heart beat fast, but this aint love.

turning nights into day,
stars in the sky, boots in the hay.
you are whatever i want,
anything i need,
cold, ice, warmness creeping through.
instead why don't you match the weather?
you're so untrue.

starbucks you make my heart beat fast, but this aint love.
love isnt a fixation.
love doesn't age me, string me on a high,
make me clear my throat because its so dry.
love doesn't make me unable to sleep at night.
have you forgotten?
so have i.

starbucks you make my heart beat fast, but this aint love.
i stopped growing,
it was you who stunted me.
with your false lies of energy
ruining my concentration,
i thought you were good for me.

starbucks you make my heart beat fast, but this aint love.
so much bitterness, i can taste it,
i drank in your covering of sweetness,
because i wanted to.
raspberry salve is good, but is it not better to not be bruised?

well latte, moo you're not the innocent calf;
i look back with a laugh.
and more empty than full of your caffeine
at least for one, i can glean:

you made my heart beat fast... but that aint love.

it's kind of hard

to look on the brightside sometimes.

so... on and off over the last two weeks i have tried to see the good in some of life's unpleasantness... and have found surprisingly many.

i remember one such realization came the day i went to a retreat. i spent the whole 3.4 miles on foot (carrying 4 heavy odd shaped and overstuffed bags & bedding) UPHILL, also may i mention, beside a busy road with leering drivers--with improper footwear on, (and i don't mean the drivers had improper footwear, either! ....but they probably did. meanies.) to the destination where we would be leaving for said retreat.

all that very long sentence to say, i spent every step of that walk of doom saying in my head "crap, crap, crap, crap... " yep, every step. strangely, at the time, i didn't see a thing wrong with this. 

*okay. the hill wasn't so steep that the sidewalk had steps, but... ;)

it was painful, and hurt to be honest. also it was just plain humiliating. i looked like a dork carrying all of that and it didn't help to become expressly notified of this in chicer terms or worse doppler-effect laughing. plus, it's annoying in the first place to not just be able to have transportation.

it wasn't until later that night that i started thinking about my thought life. so somehow it was okay to basically curse every step of the way to a christian camp just because you're annoyed or humiliated? no. that's so obvious when you put it right next to each other. cursing on the way to christian camp?! yikes. cringe worthy.

+also did i mention my retreat had been paid for, i indeed had a ride--moreover one with wonderful people, my boss gave me three days off when i was scheduled to work, ....and when it comes down to it, i was fortunate enough to own things to carry, and what's more--had a set of legs to even let me walk up that hill.

...but it still hurt at the time.
so do we do that in life? refuse to be thankful?

case in point: 2:21AM: this morning: i'm the only one home. two drunk guys from the party next door pound at our door for a solid two minutes, and then peed under our door. i cannot see the brightside of this. anymeans. soaked our rug. as i clean it up, in our dark kitchen, half afraid, and half wondering what i ever did to them [nothing]. i cannot see any redeeming value.

i was angry all day.

until now, what? ten o clock.

i realize.... maybe i needed it to make me humble.

down on my knees cleaning up someone else's urine, you feel pretty degraded. but truely, God, i think i needed that. 

day in the life

{finals week}
9:45 barely wake up. stayed awake most of night/day before. try to find clothes and the match to shoe. get ready,pile 20 pounds books supplies and computer into bag.
10:30 high-tail it out down interstate to be filmed for kirkwood. avoided cop speed trap.
11:00 find parking spot. i was supposed to be at appt.
11:10 get to 102. late. out of breath. horrible hair. he was a really nice interviewer but young i got soso nervous. i kept messing up my words. horrible, not making this up. caught on film and impression for all eternity.
12:00 stats class with my incredibly good looking professor--his best color is red! we did group work that I am nervous about--still have not finished.
1:00 comp class-- nervous to go because do not have my part of powerpoint done and have not turned in proposal that was due long time ago. still went.
1:50 walk all the way from cedar to linn parking lot outside with little tee on. very cold. see someone i see all the time but they always look at their feet. awkward all around. try to find car. go home incredibly stressed, call mother. get text on the road from person at work wanting me to work for them.
2-4 run around with my head cut of at home/eat/get ready/yell at mom just because stressed/and try to figure out if i can add yet another thing to schedule. then phone call from friend wanting project info from last year buried somewhere in my computer.
4:30 jump in car to charge to dress rehearsal.
5:00 sit around waiting and then learn two routines.. don't know them very well.am i going to be able to do this day of show?
6:30 have to leave when it's just really starting to get going and real run-thru. people are probably mad.
7:15 get to hair appt. ONLY time hair appt would work before show and london. highlights and cut. lied about where i live. loser. generally was pretty nice for a brittney, nicest i've ever met. thank God text person doesn't still want me to come into work.
8:45 done, give 8 dollar tip, because i determined beforehand i would not overtip (like always)except now in this case, probably should have. new customer: write down address-- have to write home. caught in lie.
9:00 home. jiggity-ji... nevermind. people are mad at me.remember because i yelled?
11:04 sorry to everyone. and sorry for me. and i'm too tired to make people believe that i really do mean it.

playas and pilgrims

dear envelopes,

turns out life isn't so nice sometimes.  sometimes.. when i think about it, i'm not nice.


i dumped a guy after he told me he thought i was hotter with straight hair.


there i said it. i know it is completely whacked out, but that's basically the drift of it. well, to back up and be completely honest, that stupid sentence was what finally woke me up, the first clue in, from what was becoming a toxic relationship {you would have thought it should have been that he was 6years older than me, wasn't a Christian..but "spiritual", pushed me in some compromising situations and was a little too confident with himself!- but no, i'm stupid, remember, and he was charming.} i wish i had those months back i wasted with that dude.  i don't know how to describe it, but the hair thing just completely struck a chord in me and i didn't like it. i know my hair is all sorts of curly messy, uncontrollable, entirely too long, but well, that's me. and if someone doesn't accept how God made me, or like me au naturale, then i'm seriously not the right person for them. you can take your "i'm not going to love you in humidity or a rainstorm" self right outta here!

and it's not even about the curly hair, that's just like a symptom of the fact that he was trying to change me to fit into his life. hm, i have a better idea: why don't we just find a robot that looks like your past 3 girlfriends, straighten her hair, stick a beer in one hand and a foam hand for your favorite football team in the other!

God, what was i thinking! i love so easily.

i'm tired. i'm tired of the playas who make you believe all the far east lyrics, i'm tired of the pilgrims that can't look at you or they'll die or something.

chicago

just got back from chicago... with the 'just' being four hours ago. it was quite fun, dozing in out of sleep in the car, trudging around the city with my brother and mom, being asked by tourists how to get places (weird. can't people tell i'm not from there either?!) and looking at a couple groceries as well as an apartment. it was drizzly at first and then rainy. ....oh, and, talk about major fashion error: me! i had stayed up the night before trying to find something (unwrinkled) in my closet that would work for the trip. i decided on light flare jeans, the faded olive screen tee i always wear, my gold little-miss-muffet locket necklace, and my brown sholder bag. hello wrong descision. my flares sucked up water faster than capillary action, walking around those rainy streets. so nearly up to my knee was a lovely soppy dark blue while the rest of my pants remained light. it was also rather cold, so i had to wear my black fur hoodie, of which the fur was the exact color of my hopelessly humid frizzy hair.... which resulted in the illusion of hair sticking out every which way. my. i must have been a fright. thankfully i did have an umbrella... (i think we walked about two miles total). but anyway, despite my pretty major fashion blunder(s), i *did* have fun. ;) chicago is absulutely glamourous at the same time quirky. (glorious designer boutiques and street markets.... artsy appartments and skyscrapers...) my brother got an appartment with a very nice view of the city and the john hancock building. i'm happy that everything worked out.

...hmm. now just to dry out my wet shoes.