nicks, burns, and fenders

'i could just... kick myself.' ah, said those words a few too many times.
and lets not even talk about regrets, i have surprisingly many for someone that doesn't believe in living life looking backwards. all the same~ ideology aside, they're there. p e r m a n e n t . and ugly.

this summer i had the chance to be home for a brief bit, which was (let me tell you!) wonderful. but, i don't know if many would understand this, at the same time it was very memory-inducing, if that's even a thing. i blame you, vile cardboard boxes!

memories are a good thing, most of the time. and if you're perfect: all the time, i suppose~
but sometimes for those of the other 99% of the population that came down with the streak of stupid, not. so. much.

i mean, for one, i have only to look around the house to see a historical record of some of my young atrocities. at the kitchen counter is the large circular burn ring from the time i hastily yanked a boiling-over pan off the burner.. and onto the flammable laminate beside it.  the ugly scar of sorts is there to date. might not seam like a big deal, but it really bothers me.

there are things that really can't be fixed. things that were caused by me. my intentional or unintentional stupidity that others had to suffer for. maybe it's that i'm getting older or learning to take responsibility but it's painful to think on these things now.

the age-old: 'view from the valley before the perspective of a hill.' and yeah.. i know, then even the hill looks different in 20 years.

oh i can remember the times i swelled with joy at the feeling of parent's car keys hitting my hot little teenager hands. yes! i was independent! i was free! i could drive alone! one day to my dismay, when i returned from whatever activity or another, a nasty dent was waiting for me on the rear bumper by some hit and run. i had ruined my parents car!! well, not me, but some other idiotic student driver like myself. ugh. i shake my head now. why?! driving alone's not that fun anyway! why was i so stupid? i could have just as easily let my parents drop me off back then, with no chance of that happening. 

i definitely feel really bad about all of these things. and it gets me thinking... what about things not so tangible? where's the insurance payout for the internal damage i've left on others feelings, hearts...
what nicks and burns and fender benders have i inflicted deep upon others?

i guess i'm really thankful for God (and people like my parents!) who don't just overlook my mistakes but choose to forgive. the Bible says that 'love keeps no record of wrongs'...

for this i am so thankful...
especially when they are (very visibly) permanently etched into a counter top or dented into your car.


❤

on society reaches all time low or otherwise i am pathetic

the impossible has happened. never thought it would happen.

news of the day: read all about it: biggest nerd i am aware of gets engaged today.

it's just not funny. does every friend, and friend of a friend, or a friend and friend of an enemy really have to get married? dear Lord, i am 21 years old for heaven's sake and i'm like the last of the mohicans here.

yes, i am aware you draw more flys with a tomahawk not in hand... however the saying goes; 

wow, i am just really baffled. either society has really dropped it's standards or i just didn't catch that marriage memo going around. i just ask myself. WHERE DO THEY FIND THESE PEOPLE. you know, to get married to. and larger question who?! bless her dear soul ended up with mr. nerd incarnate?!  don't even start telling me how horrible i am for calling him that. this is not a nice nerdy guy, this is that 16 year old looking arrogant kid with tall white socks and cell phone clip. he was the last person i ever saw getting married. 

cruel, just cruel, world.

want to know something interesting? i even started looking at all my girlfriends that are/getting married. Expecting to find something common to all such as yellow hair box dye #47, 

something easily replicated on a large scale... no, instead i discovered a strange trait. rather two, every girl possessed tendencies toward: #1 DOING NOTHING with their life and #2 BORINGNESS. this actually does make sense. guys want a girl they are not intimidated by and can mostly you know, pick up after them.

i mean you don't exactly see the jane goodall's getting the guys (human variety, that is). living too exciting of a life and eccentricity=a big nope. like i said: revisit the two fundamental rules.

ug. i don't want to be boring and do nothing. i don't want to be cinderella.  i just don't see why you can't be this super cool bomb kicking going somewhere woman AND a wife. 

my mom can.

sincerely,

me

advice

I finally took the hand of someone much older and wiser than I,

and came to a hill, with a little rise.

Through aged, but not much wrinkled eyes--for an instant--

I see the world and scan the skies.