hosanna and hallelujah

hosanna... is praise?

it was weird thought i had.

hosanna is a word that translated means: 'save, we pray!' it is a exclamatory plea to save.
hallelujah is a different word made up of two parts that translates to 'praise the Lord!'

it struck me as funny that during the joyous triumphal entry of Jesus into jerusulem (matthew 21), it wasn't 'hallelujah!' (praise you) the crowds were exclaiming... but rather hosanna:

God. save us.

hosanna. it was, perhaps the most basic cry.
the crowds assumed that Jesus, decendant of david, was coming into jeruselem as their king to defeat the romans. Jesus was in fact, coming to save them, but just not in the way they were expecting.

it made me think: in times of distress, turmoil, we often look to a leader, a political figure, or a guide to save us. we have an innate hope of being rescued and we seek that out.

something that i never thought about is that crying hosanna is one of the highest forms of praise.  it is a plea with an assumption: that the listener can in fact, save.

i'll be really honest right now... I ask God to help me so much throughout the day. it's almost embarrasing, goes something like this: 'God, help me get up this morning (ugh!)'.... 'God help me figure out this problem at work',  'God, help me get along with this hard to deal-with person' etc. somewhere in the back of my head, i guess i always thought that prayers like this were not really a "bad" thing per se, but in essence just "tacky". i could be praying elegant prayers of praise and thanksging to almighty God, but instead i'm asking Him to help me as i walk down a spooky alley at night.

i've been reading through the psalms and i'm getting a very different look on prayer and praise. david was called 'a man after God's heart' and so many of his prayers and psalms can be accuratedly summed up by: "God, help me. i really really need help." i'm not trying to be to be irreverent, just honest. take psalm 51 for instance: david's very raw, heart-felt cry to God after he committed adultry with bathseba and murdered her husband:

¹ Have mercy on me, O God,
    according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
    blot out my transgressions.
² Wash away all my iniquity
    and cleanse me from my sin.

³ For I know my transgressions,
    and my sin is always before me.
⁴ Against you, you only, have I sinned
    and done what is evil in your sight;
so you are right in your verdict
    and justified when you judge.
⁵ Surely I was sinful at birth,
    sinful from the time my mother conceived me.
⁶ Yet you desired faithfulness even in the womb;
    you taught me wisdom in that secret place.

⁷ Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
    wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
⁸ Let me hear joy and gladness;
    let the bones you have crushed rejoice.
⁹ Hide your face from my sins
    and blot out all my iniquity.

¹⁰ Create in me a pure heart, O God,
    and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
¹¹ Do not cast me from your presence
    or take your Holy Spirit from me.
¹² Restore to me the joy of your salvation
    and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

¹³ Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
    so that sinners will turn back to you.
¹⁴ Deliver me from the guilt of bloodshed, O God,
    you who are God my Savior,
    and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.
¹⁵ Open my lips, Lord,
    and my mouth will declare your praise.
¹⁶ You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
    you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.
¹⁷ My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit;
    a broken and contrite heart
    you, God, will not despise.

the underlying tone throughout the whole psalm is "help me". i don't think there is anything wrong with this at all. God is not annoyed with us for continually asking for help, He wants us to, we are praising Him when we desperately call out "God save me, hosanna!"

Rescuer

"the ones we rescue, rescue us...."

it was a quote i had heard recently on a some movie commercial in the theater.

strange, i've been thinking about it a lot recently... enough that i wanted to write about it.

for some reason, my mind often will remember with vivid clarity a particular quote or situation that may not be the main point of the particular instance but it gets filed with a little *remember this is important* star right beside it. this function of my brain is actually super helpful... it's why it's impossible for me to be bored in boring situations. for a {short} period of time in college i attended a church where the pastor was close to the worst speaker i have ever heard in my life-- he would drone on and on the driest sermons i had ever heard. somehow i was able to pick up on little sub-points that i thought were much more interesting and managed to come away with some kind of spiritual substance from the whole ordeal. haha... now that i think about it, this feature has probably has helped me deal with several unimaginative people in the past.

anyway. all this to say, even though the aforementioned movie commercial looked decent, though not particularly remarkable... the quote was definitely file-worthy.

i want to be a rescuer.

11.4 million+ girls are trafficked yearly. that's not okay. it's sad that beautiful human beings get abused this way. i wish it could be as easy as wiping out sporting events where the largest majority of slavery happens or preventing thousands of people from clicking sites online. but it's not that simple. all you can do, is do what you personally can. it can happen in a variety of daily life choices, what you watch, what you buy, what you give your money to, how you teach the next generation. 

i support a little indonesian girl from childfund international and i may never fully know what difference that made in her life or her family's life. that doesn't mean that it's not important though. flailing your arms about how you cannot solve the world's problems is pointless... when you can indeed help to solve one person's problems. give until it hurts, and then keep giving.

rescue those your arm is right by.  

it would be silly to think of driving across town to check on a friend when your neighbor's house is burning down next door. in the same way, God puts people right by us so we can rescue them. when my family had a trying financial situation, it was surprising to see not close friends, not close family, not the inflated corporate church... but one individual without a full-time job reach out to help. people get so lost flinging money at rich people that they don't have any left for people that need it.

 rescue because He rescued us.

For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins. Colossians 1:13
 

keep your coins, i want change

I used to change a lot when I was little.

First the princess dress went on, then the white kid-leather cowboy boots with heels. Next minute it was my Minnie t-shirt... I never stayed in the same outfit for long. Days were an endless transformation from one dream to the next. Is it any wonder I love fashion so much?

I don't remember when it was that I started to not like change. Perhaps it was the day I had to move away from my friend next door? Was it when I was too tall to fit in the Fisher-Price Flintstone Car?

I'm not sure. I've had a million and one changes since then... thank God. And I can say that honestly... thank God for all the changes He's brought me through. 

Humans are naturally inclined to be resistant to change. I was reading a marketing blurb the other day about a couple reasons people resist change:

• When the reason for the change is unclear, ambiguity can trigger negative reactions among users.
• When the proposed users have not been consulted about the change, and it is offered to them as an accomplished fact.  People like to know what's going on, and feel informed and in a perceived state of control.
• When the change threatens to modify established patterns of working relationships between people.
• When communication about the change has not been sufficient.
• When the benefits and rewards for making the change are not seen as adequate for the trouble involved.

It makes sense; change is not pleasant. It's an ending. It's a replacement of the known with the unknown.

I'm realizing though.. change is necessary. It is what facilitates growth.

I was on a walk with a friend last week in this beautiful fall weather and I noticed the most gorgeous fiery red and orange maple tree. The leaves were slowly fluttering to the ground around us as we walked. Jesus often told his followers to look to nature-- the lilies of the fields, the birds... Proverbs tells us to look to the ant... I can't help but feel God had a special message for me.

Sometimes letting go of something you thought was good is the only way that something better can happen.

As I watched each leaf fall to the ground, it was like the tree was uncurling a clenched finger one after another until only an open palm toward heaven was left.

God, thank you for bringing about change... and help me to embrace it gracefully like the tree.

height difference

3 weeks ago i was sleeping a nice round 6 inches off the floor via make-shift mattress and cotton sheet... (ah the bliss of moving! read: back: snap, crackle, pop)

one would tend to assume with the near floor-to-body proximity i would have felt especially 'grounded' at the time. ha, i can't imagine anything further from the truth. i could have sworn the room was spinning with the crazy thoughts in my head.

a hectic move across town... and twenty billion bills later, i stare upward and see bare white walls going up to meet the speckled dots once again.

it's confusing lying flat on the floor one week to overlooking the railing from a 3 story mansion for some doctor i work for the next...
life looks different...
and the same. i'm still the same.
it wouldn't matter if i was on a 30,000 ft. mountaintop or in the mariana trench... i've got the same problems, same difficulties. there are things not even the best environment can change...

and that's actually a good thing.

it's why i need God.

i'm not enough. my problems are too big for me. my failures-- are detrimental. like the old poem says 'i cannot ever pay the debt'.

at these moments, i'm so thankful for love that has a higher vantage than me. that there is promise of sunshine behind the clouds, and order in the chaos.

God, i'm just going to be hangin on for dear life, cause on your shoulders is the only time i can see.

neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. romans 8:39

shaking my head...

Smh... I remember back in 2011 when all the little texting speech first came out. Oh the year heralded as when the English language died!  Nearly five years later, I guess it's time to break out the hieroglyphics.

I remember that SMH acronym took me the longest to figure out back then because I always read it phonetically: ssmmmhh-- like a half sigh, half groan murmur. Not unlike the the letters psh! Believe it or not, my "version" of smh usually always fit the context.

Friend:  Smh, all I can tell u is that teacher has a lot 2 learn...
Me: Ugh, sorry to hear that!

I was reading in Romans a passage that quite literately made me SMH:

For what can be known about God is plain to them, because God has shown it to them. For his invisible attributes, namely, his eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly perceived, ever since the creation of the world, in the things that have been made. So they are without excuse. For although they knew God, they did not honor him as God or give thanks to him, but they became futile in their thinking, and their foolish hearts were darkened. Claiming to be wise, they became fools, and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images resembling mortal man and birds and animals and creeping things.
 
Therefore God gave them up in the lusts of their hearts to impurity, to the dishonoring of their bodies among themselves, because they exchanged the truth about God for a lie and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever! Amen. For this reason God gave them up to dishonorable passions. For their women exchanged natural relations for those that are contrary to nature; and the men likewise gave up natural relations with women and were consumed with passion for one another, men committing shameless acts with men and receiving in themselves the due penalty for their error.


And since they did not see fit to acknowledge God, God gave them up to a debased mind to do what ought not to be done. They were filled with all manner of unrighteousness, evil, covetousness, malice. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, maliciousness. They are gossips, slanderers, haters of God, insolent, haughty, boastful, inventors of evil, disobedient to parents, foolish, faithless, heartless, ruthless. Though they know God's righteous decree that those who practice such things deserve to die, they not only do them but give approval to those who practice them.

How can they do that?? Give up the truth for a lie? Give up a relationship with God for a relationship with a clay statue!? How can we do that? How can we get so lost in being academically "wise" that we become fools? How can we serve man-made constructs like money and "celebrity" instead of the most majestic King?

SMH. I'LL TELL YOU HOW. Sometimes you don't realize how good you've got it 'til it's gone.

"You mean to tell me he cheated on me... with that horseface girl?"
This was one of the saddest conversations I ever witnessed outside a bar downtown. A very pretty girl was being told the ugly truth by a girlfriend. No other way I can describe the moment other than witnessing straight-up heartbreak. I know I'm on the outside looking in, but I heard enough to know the guy was a total d-bag. I'm definitely not saying looks are everything, but it just seems like a sad state of affairs when you're in a relationship with Beyonce for land's sake and that still ain't enough.

Anyway all this to say, how MUCH MORE heartbreaking and unbelievable to forget the God of the universe that loves you immensely. Trading a beautiful relationship with God for a piece of trash. Romans 1 seems pretty appros these days with all that's in the news. People getting all up in arms and crusading about Target's restroom policy... and forgetting the GOD that has beautifully made us, and moreover MADE US the gender we are supposed to be! We (myself included) are getting distracted with the side issues and missing the point!

This was Paul's address to the Greeks at Athens to put things back in perspective:

The God who made the world and everything in it, being Lord of heaven and earth, does not live in temples made by man, nor is he served by human hands, as though he needed anything, since he himself gives to all mankind life and breath and everything. And he made from one man every nation of mankind to live on all the face of the earth, having determined allotted periods and the boundaries of their dwelling place, that they should seek God, and perhaps feel their way toward him and find him. Yet he is actually not far from each one of us, for“‘In him we live and move and have our being’;

as even some of your own poets have said,“‘For we are indeed his offspring.’ Being then God's offspring, we ought not to think that the divine being is like gold or silver or stone, an image formed by the art and imagination of man. The times of ignorance God overlooked, but now he commands all people everywhere to repent, because he has fixed a day on which he will judge the world in righteousness by a man whom he has appointed; and of this he has given assurance to all by raising him from the dead.”

God, I'm so thankful for what an awesome God you are and that you're real and you love me. This blows my mind. ♥

Smh, well I don't know exactly how that happened... but that's got to be the most pop-culture Bible  devotional ever written.  Can I get an amen re-tweet up in here? ;)
Emoji Yikes face.

you light the spark

 in my bonfire heart. ♥

context

Can that which is unsavory be eaten without salt? Or is there any taste in the white of an egg? --Job 6:6 

i remember pulling that verse out for a spin one time at a family dinner.... "supposedly 'proving' that are eggs are gross and the Bible even says so". haha yep. that didn't go so well...

i can't help but think of one other memorable verse i had to memorize in my childhood: "A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity." --Proverbs 17:17

frankly, i didn't know how this painfully honest verse was supposed to help me... my friends were nice and loved me at all times, but man oh man brothers are just put in my life just for causing adversity! ;p

i was reading proverbs 17-27 the other day and i guess i was amazed how many references to friendship i kept seeing:

Proverbs 18:24 There are friends who destroy each other, but a real friend sticks closer than a brother.

Proverbs 20:6 Many claim to have unfailing love, but a faithful friend who can find?

Proverbs 27:6 Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy.

Proverbs 27:17 As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend. 

i was walking outside in the cold frozen tundra we call the midwest and slipped quite dramatically on some ice, and a friend grabbed my arm to help me through the rest of the path. to me that is a friend.
my nasty bruise the next morning was good for one thing though, reminding me of this verse:

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Ecclesiastes 4:10

thankful for a few true friends and the best Friend of all. 

stubborn love

...and no, i don't mean the song by the same name. but... let's just put it in there, because i love it. ;)

i think it's interesting that the ancient greeks made all their gods imperfect and irrational. every single one of them. they got angry over little insults; they let their lusts carry them away (zeus; aphrodite and ares); they would steal from each other (hermes); they got into petty feuds with one another (zeus and hera). 

it's interesting to me how even in our much more modern development of powerful "superheroes"~ all still have their fatal flaws. it's like someone out there was saying "we can't make them tooo perfect, or no one will believe it." and there you have it, boom: #relatable was born. ;)

but, i mean i get it. i actually really appreciate some of the stories in the bible for instance, that really showed people in their humanness... and how God worked though that anyway.

i mean you have moses who couldn't speak,gideon who was totally afraid,peter who was an idiot hothead,david who was an adulturous murder,and lazarus who was dead, for heaven's sake.

don't tell me that God can't use flawed people, cause i know he can.

i couldn't agree more with the 18th century hymn writers... and echo their "prone to wander Lord I feel it". i may or may not have a reputation of being 'difficult' especially with the people that love me. spiritually, i often feel like who am i for God to use me. i've been timid, i've been hot-headed, i've been hateful, i've been all flaws combined at one time or another.  

i am so thankful i have a God that runs after me with that boundless measure of stubborn love when i am just being stupid.

what better allegory of our Father's love than the story of the prodigal son from luke 15:


20 “But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.

21 “The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’

22 “But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. 23 Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. 24 For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’

God, thanks for not giving up on me. ❤ 

thoughts on the last mile

"why am i doing this???" ever had this feeling? 

...maybe the realization hits when staring at an endless assortment of liquid detergent options in the grocery store, or downing that umpteenth cup of coffee to make it through the day... or the 3rd time in an hour G.D.F.R. comes on your hip-hop workout station (okay, that was oddly specific). 

in all seriousness though, i guess when i think about it, i've had many instances at different memorable points throughout my life that i'm like: "hold up, wait.... what!?" 

want to know the weird thing? i haven't had that feeling very recently. for the most part, life has generally been looking up... i've been looking up a lot. lol :)

anyways, probably the "why am i doing this" moment of late that i've been having usually transpires on the last mile of my training runs. i'm hot, i'm sweaty, i'm dying, and the manager keeps walking by (probably to make sure i'm not, in fact, actually dying). yeah, i just want to stop.  why am i doing this? oh yeah, some kind of race, wasn't it... or means of self-torture, one of the two! ;)    

one of the things i was thinking about yesterday is how it's kind of surprising how many verses in the Bible compare the Christian life to a race.

i mean of all comparisons, i get the whole 'life is a battle' comparison... with real physical & spiritual warfare etc. i even understand the various farming comparisons... that there is a lot of planting and waiting for things to grow. it makes sense to me that a lot examples would be centered around aspects vital to survival.

hmm but running a race? doesn't that seem a little odd to you? it's a little too sportsy isn't it? ;) i mean that would be like the Bible using [whatever that ancient greek basketball game is called] as an analogy.

anyways that being said: just initially, four things stood out to me about this comparison:

PACE-- spiritual life is like a race where moving is important. some people are jogging, some are walking, and some are sitting on the sidelines as spectators. Hebrews 12 does a good job emphasizing it is important to run with perseverance. it seems to me like the half-hearted approach is really not what God is looking for.

ENCOURAGEMENT-- spiritual life also needs some motivation, some "fuel" if you will, for the race. often this fuel comes from God as well as from other people. we need a reason for doing what we are doing. Hebrews 12 mentions being surrounded "by so great a cloud of witnesses", it is considerably easier to "keep on keepin on" with good people in your life.

DIFFICULTIES-- spiritual life is not without its many difficulties. there are a lot of things that "hinder us". sometimes it's sin, sometimes unbelief, sometimes just cares of the world weighing us down...

PRIZES-- spiritual life does have an end goal. after all, if there wasn't something positive at the end, something important to look forward to, why would one bother running? 1 Corinthians 9 and Philippians 3 talk a lot about the 'prize' in sight.


anyway, i would write more...  but i'm getting really really reeeeaaaallly tired.


that's all folks.

'turning toward'

so recently i was thinking about an article i read on buzzfeed a few months ago.

yeah, i know, i know! i shouldn't be reading buzzfeed as a valid source of news or really any factual information. to you i say: chill. i am aware of that, get off my back.

(more than likely, it was probably something in the endless facebook quiz feed  your annoying 2nd-cousin-twice-removed's middle-age aunt posted). [eye-roll.]

anyway, i thought this aforementioned article was obviously deserving mention for two main reasons:
#1.) months later, i actually remembered this dumb article!!
#2.) the sheer unlikelihood of #1. happening.

basically this article talks about what is the "secret" of long-term marriages. one thing they cited (does buzzfeed even cite things?!) was the strong correlation between couples that "turn toward one another" after a 'fishing' type behavior, and between the marriages that actually lasted.

an example of a fishing behavior would be the guy/girl saying "ah, nice day we've been having". at first glance, a truly pointless statement. first, it does not really share any meaningful information. second, it does not ask any question to the other, even requiring a response. the buzzfeed article argues this is a subliminal "fishing" line cast~ and is now up to the other person whether they "turn in" for a bite.

anyone else feel like i'm describing something on animal planet? ugh sorry. i think i've explained it enough. summary line: buzzfeed was saying that couples that made the effort to "turn toward" one another emotionally were the ones that lasted and had happy marriages.

whether or not this is the case, i'm sure Lord only knows, and it really doesn't have all that much relevance to me... but still. i want to be a more "turning toward" type of person.

i think these past couple weeks i've done a tiny bit better. i can't tell you how many times in the past [read: very many] i have accidentally totally blown people off that were trying to talk to me. it's really not intentional, i am such a busy person and feel like i'm constantly running around with my head cut-off.

it just happens. then, i'll be charging down the interstate much later and be like 'ohhhhhh, that so & so was really trying hard to start a conversation with me and i was running 10mph carrying 20lbs of crap in the other direction and running to a meeting.'

so yeah. busyness could account for 95% of the problem (and i am working to cut down on that) but... that other 5%?

i guess i don't like being vulnerable.

i don't want to get hurt again.

i don't like exposing myself...

but anyway, i guess it's good for me, albeit not pleasant. case in point: a friend that i really started opening up to and being real with, called me fat. there's a whole story to it, yes... but no joke. i know it shouldn't have, but it did hurt my feelings. (i mean, who says that other than mean jealousy girls?!)

sometimes when you spend time investing in someone (leaning in, 'turning toward' behaviors) it *does* result in the person taking the bite... and then sometimes chomping down much too hard. it's essentially letting someone close enough to hurt you.

[[edit]]
ok, i found the article. turns out it's not buzzfeed, but hey, you know all about what i'm talking about now. ;)

unfortunately this is the sentiment expected of me most of my life. which is fine, i guess. i mean, actions have consequences, blardee blar ... and even unforeseeable circumstances... those also require a certain measure of "just deal" aptitude.

yeah, well i've pretty much got that down.
(so down, i could take it on down to downtown!)

okay.. i don't know where that came from, moving on....

basically, i have learned to just "deal with it" so "well" that no one ever knows i'm struggling. and that's not a good thing.

i don't ask for help, i'm "strong" all right... i just push it all down, shoulder as much as i can, and stick my best smile on my face.

i really don't like whiners, or complainers, and negative nancy's so i suppose that could be partly why i never clue people in. i guess deep down i don't want to be like that so i think presenting a false view of reality is the next best thing?

i don't know, doesn't make much sense to me, either.

two weeks ago a guy a work said these exact words to me, "geez, (name), you really have it all together don't you, you make the rest of us look bad!"

though the conversation was about fashion and (very obviously) a joke, i totally responded a little too emphatically (probably based on the week I had just gone through) with a major "no, i sooo DO NOT have it all together!!!", which everyone thought was hilarious.

i can definitely see the humor of it, but really.. that's the last thing i want people to think of me. just because i don't wave all my dirty laundry in everyone's face and whine about my life doesn't mean it's not difficult, really stressful, and hard to handle everything.

frankly, i have days where i feel like a beatup dog continually running back to his cruel master for more.

i think i need to do better with that balance of opening up to be real about stuff.

the few times i do though, seriously... people either 1.) think i have lost it and am off my rocker or 2). kindly say some variant of "pull your big girl panties up, and deal with it."

either way, i always end up feeling guilty that i'm not perfect, and regret ever letting my guard down.

impossible

"What is your biggest dream?"  "To have my own house. With two stories." --HONY   (Kasangulu, Democratic Republic of Congo)

...
ohhh if they only knew... the world really isn't any better two stories up (or ten stories for that matter, trust me.)

still, you have to almost chuckle, the deep low almost inaudible kind.

wow. there's life. so simple, so poignant.

i've definitely thought like that~ yep every day of my life. okay, maybe my "biggest dream" isn't to have a two story house (a pretty attainable thing in middle class u.s.a.) but i've definitely thought small like that.

now let's get this straight, i have zero intention to make light of the dreams of these dear boys, or diminish the significance of their lofty wish based on their heart-wrenching circumstances. they have lives harder than i'll probably ever know... but what i do mean to do is put into perspective this concept of our "greatest dreams".

forgive the comparison, but life's sometimes like this unbelievably huge ritzy gourmet restaurant-- and not knowing any better, we order a crust of bread because we can't begin to fathom the fillet mignon. it's called having a limited view. being finite.

surroundings definitely impact our greatest wants. i can't tell you how many times i've heard someone whining "every one else around me is in a relationship and my life would be complete if i just had a significant other." or "i would be so much happier if i just had that house with the white picket fence in the 'burbs and 2.5 kids" or "man, if i made as much money as my bosses's boss, boy would i be living"

or "if i could only get on shark tank to present my idea of air activated self-heating pizza rolls, i'd feel significant..." (hey what!? i don't see me judging you! ;)

our dreams aren't big enough. they can't be.
we don't know what's good for us. we don't even know what to even begin to ask for. i've been thinking a lot about how often we limit God by what we pray about. i'm going to stop asking God about all those silly "two story house" type dreams and start asking God to do the impossible...


anybody that knows me, knows i am particularly fascinated with humans of new york. check it out, yo.

maybe i'm a dreamer

two

types of smiles. 

there is one that tilts the corners of your lips up & there is the one that reaches up into your eyes. 

i like that one. :)

what if

we stopped being jaded. stopped being numb. stopped being so self-centered.

valentine schmalentine

truth of the matter is... saying i'm "kind of" a feminist, well~ let's just say is putting it mildly.

i have a major problem with what seems to be men and society's generalized norms of male/female expectations.

but i don't have time for all that. I will focus this weeks' spirited one sided discussion on a particular classic behavior set that drives me wild. (& not in a good way~ ugh really! have you been listening to anything I've been saying!?)

1. THE CAVE-MAN FORMULA
(equivalent roughly to: ME SINGLE + U SINGLE = U NOT ONLY REQUIRED BUT ALSO OBLIGATED TO DATE ME.

yep, let's just discount that the other person has any kind of brain or any inkling of interest in you and man-handle them into a relationship with you! I mean, c'mon~ why wouldn't you?

and women! don't you know you are nothing as a unattached female and surely your only validation in life is to be thrown over the arm of whatever brute that approaches you!? moreover, you should be happy and thankful for being 'selected' and promptly make a sammich to express your joy.

guys~ maybe that girl you're so baffled by why she doesn't like you~ take a step back and THINK: 'hmm... am i just assuming that because she is single she will by default have a strong emotional bond and connection with me?' 'does she perhaps have some other ambitions in life other than me a random creeper?'

ugh nevermind. enough~ if you will excuse me, i have some better things to do:

nicks, burns, and fenders

'i could just... kick myself.' ah, said those words a few too many times.
and lets not even talk about regrets, i have surprisingly many for someone that doesn't believe in living life looking backwards. all the same~ ideology aside, they're there. p e r m a n e n t . and ugly.

this summer i had the chance to be home for a brief bit, which was (let me tell you!) wonderful. but, i don't know if many would understand this, at the same time it was very memory-inducing, if that's even a thing. i blame you, vile cardboard boxes!

memories are a good thing, most of the time. and if you're perfect: all the time, i suppose~
but sometimes for those of the other 99% of the population that came down with the streak of stupid, not. so. much.

i mean, for one, i have only to look around the house to see a historical record of some of my young atrocities. at the kitchen counter is the large circular burn ring from the time i hastily yanked a boiling-over pan off the burner.. and onto the flammable laminate beside it.  the ugly scar of sorts is there to date. might not seam like a big deal, but it really bothers me.

there are things that really can't be fixed. things that were caused by me. my intentional or unintentional stupidity that others had to suffer for. maybe it's that i'm getting older or learning to take responsibility but it's painful to think on these things now.

the age-old: 'view from the valley before the perspective of a hill.' and yeah.. i know, then even the hill looks different in 20 years.

oh i can remember the times i swelled with joy at the feeling of parent's car keys hitting my hot little teenager hands. yes! i was independent! i was free! i could drive alone! one day to my dismay, when i returned from whatever activity or another, a nasty dent was waiting for me on the rear bumper by some hit and run. i had ruined my parents car!! well, not me, but some other idiotic student driver like myself. ugh. i shake my head now. why?! driving alone's not that fun anyway! why was i so stupid? i could have just as easily let my parents drop me off back then, with no chance of that happening. 

i definitely feel really bad about all of these things. and it gets me thinking... what about things not so tangible? where's the insurance payout for the internal damage i've left on others feelings, hearts...
what nicks and burns and fender benders have i inflicted deep upon others?

i guess i'm really thankful for God (and people like my parents!) who don't just overlook my mistakes but choose to forgive. the Bible says that 'love keeps no record of wrongs'...

for this i am so thankful...
especially when they are (very visibly) permanently etched into a counter top or dented into your car.


❤

seems to me..

that money is the worst friend you could ever know. you know, you would think that money would owe you: after all that you did to get it, surely you rightfully deserve a bit of
+respect
+prestige
+happiness
+comfort
for slaving to accumulate so much of it. yeah, ah/ funny thing...

money doesn't owe you nothing.

and you better believe i meant every word of that double-negative as emphasis. the hard, cold reality is that:

money doesn't owe you, it rather owns you.


let me tell a little uninteresting story. so in college there was a girl i knew...

i should clarify 'knew' in the very loosest sense of the word (i.e. invariably happen to see a thousand times more than i would like to in a week, and hear her loud conversations with her groupies in the lab, and may/may not have stumbled upon her daily style blog by unscrupulous googling? of her name (don't ask).

okay rambling aside, the point is: there was this girl. and i don't really "know know" her but i had aloooot of exposure to her. let's call her *britney.
*googling works both ways, even i know that.

britney was a particularly mean girl. snarky laugh, chiseled upturned nose, 6ft tall legs.. (and that's not even counting how tall the rest of her was): she was the whole shebang. but apparently her perfect exterior, posterior, and all other super-ior aspects did not make her a very happy camper. i think she chanel-ed quite a bit of her unhappiness into buying a lot of designer clothes, shoes, handbags, accessories. we're talking a lot.

any remaining negative energy i suppose was fueled right into her second largest passion: malicious meanness. ah yes, not a student, professor, nor cute visiting foreign-exchange family escaped her cruel sneering comments to her inseparable friend-pack.

one day in the lab, i was writing a research paper and per-usual britney and her driveling friend-pack decided the lab was the perfect place to socialize and be loud.

**i typed their following exact words into my email at school when i heard them so as to not forget

britney: "my super freaking rich step dad just sent me diane von furensburg luggage for my trip to itallyyyyyyy. he even signed it with a little heart.  omg omg, im like seriously 'i love you so much' right now in my head."

friend: "omg, we can't be friends right now, i'm totally serious. my target luggage is going to look so bad next to yours."

it was then... that i felt bad. no more for my poor little self. 
unbeknownst to my cackling adjacencies, their boasting was making me very sad for them. :/
i know they meant something else, something surely more glamorous, but all i could hear was:

-no dad
-new guy whose one claim to fame is being freakishly rich
-traveling halfway across the world, and all someone can muster to write to you is a 'heart'?
-"i love you so much"... but in your head? you can't say it to him?
-you love someone only for what cowhide/leather high price item they can give to you?
-a friend doesn't want to be your friend anymore because of how they will look next to you?


that's all that there is for them... things. 

owned by money. 'owned' by an unmistakable thirst to matter, to mean something by what they have. 


For the love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows. 1Timothy 6:10


in my Bible, for some reason i wrote beside that verse exodus 21:6 about a master piercing a servants ear to show ownership. money also has a way of piercing into your soul and controlling you.


note to self: don't buy the chanel earrings. ;)

one step.

"Lucky, because I never give up. Gifted, because I don't take shortcuts. Focused, because I see past the finish line. Fastest, because speed is my competition. Legend, because I'm one step ahead."
--Usain Bolt, world's fastest runner.

Hm, what an interesting perspective... is greatness and success not arbitrary, not just graced on selected individuals? One step. That does it? 

It's amazing and inspiring how much such a small distance can make. When I think back over the past year I remember some minuscule deeds and actions of myself and others that resulted in very neat stories...

whether encouragement and flowers for a professor, a compliment from a friend, a simple text on a day I needed it... oh there are too many to list out.... the point is, with a minimal amount of effort a vast difference is made. 

Why not take that extra step? That One Step may win you the mile.