unsung hero

keep your coins, i want change

I used to change a lot when I was little.

First the princess dress went on, then the white kid-leather cowboy boots with heels. Next minute it was my Minnie t-shirt... I never stayed in the same outfit for long. Days were an endless transformation from one dream to the next. Is it any wonder I love fashion so much?

I don't remember when it was that I started to not like change. Perhaps it was the day I had to move away from my friend next door? Was it when I was too tall to fit in the Fisher-Price Flintstone Car?

I'm not sure. I've had a million and one changes since then... thank God. And I can say that honestly... thank God for all the changes He's brought me through. 

Humans are naturally inclined to be resistant to change. I was reading a marketing blurb the other day about a couple reasons people resist change:

• When the reason for the change is unclear, ambiguity can trigger negative reactions among users.
• When the proposed users have not been consulted about the change, and it is offered to them as an accomplished fact.  People like to know what's going on, and feel informed and in a perceived state of control.
• When the change threatens to modify established patterns of working relationships between people.
• When communication about the change has not been sufficient.
• When the benefits and rewards for making the change are not seen as adequate for the trouble involved.

It makes sense; change is not pleasant. It's an ending. It's a replacement of the known with the unknown.

I'm realizing though.. change is necessary. It is what facilitates growth.

I was on a walk with a friend last week in this beautiful fall weather and I noticed the most gorgeous fiery red and orange maple tree. The leaves were slowly fluttering to the ground around us as we walked. Jesus often told his followers to look to nature-- the lilies of the fields, the birds... Proverbs tells us to look to the ant... I can't help but feel God had a special message for me.

Sometimes letting go of something you thought was good is the only way that something better can happen.

As I watched each leaf fall to the ground, it was like the tree was uncurling a clenched finger one after another until only an open palm toward heaven was left.

God, thank you for bringing about change... and help me to embrace it gracefully like the tree.

height difference

3 weeks ago i was sleeping a nice round 6 inches off the floor via make-shift mattress and cotton sheet... (ah the bliss of moving! read: back: snap, crackle, pop)

one would tend to assume with the near floor-to-body proximity i would have felt especially 'grounded' at the time. ha, i can't imagine anything further from the truth. i could have sworn the room was spinning with the crazy thoughts in my head.

a hectic move across town... and twenty billion bills later, i stare upward and see bare white walls going up to meet the speckled dots once again.

it's confusing lying flat on the floor one week to overlooking the railing from a 3 story mansion for some doctor i work for the next...
life looks different...
and the same. i'm still the same.
it wouldn't matter if i was on a 30,000 ft. mountaintop or in the mariana trench... i've got the same problems, same difficulties. there are things not even the best environment can change...

and that's actually a good thing.

it's why i need God.

i'm not enough. my problems are too big for me. my failures-- are detrimental. like the old poem says 'i cannot ever pay the debt'.

at these moments, i'm so thankful for love that has a higher vantage than me. that there is promise of sunshine behind the clouds, and order in the chaos.

God, i'm just going to be hangin on for dear life, cause on your shoulders is the only time i can see.

neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. romans 8:39

shaking my head...

Smh... I remember back in 2011 when all the little texting speech first came out. Oh the year heralded as when the English language died!  Nearly five years later, I guess it's time to break out the hieroglyphics.

I remember that SMH acronym took me the longest to figure out back then because I always read it phonetically: ssmmmhh-- like a half sigh, half groan murmur. Not unlike the the letters psh! Believe it or not, my "version" of smh usually always fit the context.

Friend:  Smh, all I can tell u is that teacher has a lot 2 learn...
Me: Ugh, sorry to hear that!

I was reading in Romans a passage that quite literately made me SMH:

For what can be known about God is plain to them, because God has shown it to them. For his invisible attributes, namely, his eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly perceived, ever since the creation of the world, in the things that have been made. So they are without excuse. For although they knew God, they did not honor him as God or give thanks to him, but they became futile in their thinking, and their foolish hearts were darkened. Claiming to be wise, they became fools, and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images resembling mortal man and birds and animals and creeping things.
 
Therefore God gave them up in the lusts of their hearts to impurity, to the dishonoring of their bodies among themselves, because they exchanged the truth about God for a lie and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever! Amen. For this reason God gave them up to dishonorable passions. For their women exchanged natural relations for those that are contrary to nature; and the men likewise gave up natural relations with women and were consumed with passion for one another, men committing shameless acts with men and receiving in themselves the due penalty for their error.


And since they did not see fit to acknowledge God, God gave them up to a debased mind to do what ought not to be done. They were filled with all manner of unrighteousness, evil, covetousness, malice. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, maliciousness. They are gossips, slanderers, haters of God, insolent, haughty, boastful, inventors of evil, disobedient to parents, foolish, faithless, heartless, ruthless. Though they know God's righteous decree that those who practice such things deserve to die, they not only do them but give approval to those who practice them.

How can they do that?? Give up the truth for a lie? Give up a relationship with God for a relationship with a clay statue!? How can we do that? How can we get so lost in being academically "wise" that we become fools? How can we serve man-made constructs like money and "celebrity" instead of the most majestic King?

SMH. I'LL TELL YOU HOW. Sometimes you don't realize how good you've got it 'til it's gone.

"You mean to tell me he cheated on me... with that horseface girl?"
This was one of the saddest conversations I ever witnessed outside a bar downtown. A very pretty girl was being told the ugly truth by a girlfriend. No other way I can describe the moment other than witnessing straight-up heartbreak. I know I'm on the outside looking in, but I heard enough to know the guy was a total d-bag. I'm definitely not saying looks are everything, but it just seems like a sad state of affairs when you're in a relationship with Beyonce for land's sake and that still ain't enough.

Anyway all this to say, how MUCH MORE heartbreaking and unbelievable to forget the God of the universe that loves you immensely. Trading a beautiful relationship with God for a piece of trash. Romans 1 seems pretty appros these days with all that's in the news. People getting all up in arms and crusading about Target's restroom policy... and forgetting the GOD that has beautifully made us, and moreover MADE US the gender we are supposed to be! We (myself included) are getting distracted with the side issues and missing the point!

This was Paul's address to the Greeks at Athens to put things back in perspective:

The God who made the world and everything in it, being Lord of heaven and earth, does not live in temples made by man, nor is he served by human hands, as though he needed anything, since he himself gives to all mankind life and breath and everything. And he made from one man every nation of mankind to live on all the face of the earth, having determined allotted periods and the boundaries of their dwelling place, that they should seek God, and perhaps feel their way toward him and find him. Yet he is actually not far from each one of us, for“‘In him we live and move and have our being’;

as even some of your own poets have said,“‘For we are indeed his offspring.’ Being then God's offspring, we ought not to think that the divine being is like gold or silver or stone, an image formed by the art and imagination of man. The times of ignorance God overlooked, but now he commands all people everywhere to repent, because he has fixed a day on which he will judge the world in righteousness by a man whom he has appointed; and of this he has given assurance to all by raising him from the dead.”

God, I'm so thankful for what an awesome God you are and that you're real and you love me. This blows my mind. ♥

Smh, well I don't know exactly how that happened... but that's got to be the most pop-culture Bible  devotional ever written.  Can I get an amen re-tweet up in here? ;)
Emoji Yikes face.

Fun quiz

 

***How to tell if you or your friends are Arrogant!***
Fun, brand new quiz!

Since it has been the over-whelming trend in politics to say whatever idiotic thing is on your mind...
today I will offer the world a great service and only say part of what I'm thinking. ;-)

Something I don't understand and will never understand is why people love arrogant people so darn much!

Why would you love/respect/admire someone whose care and concern is only for their own pathetic self?! I just don't get it. Plus arrogant people are not exactly a barrel of fun to be around anyways.
Society feeds the lie that the Ego is great and to be worshiped... the "put yourself first" braggart mentality abounds... so common even among believers. I like what Einstein said better:

God, save our country. Save us from ourselves. Keep us from being wise fools.    

I can't help but echo the words of a man nearly forty years ago... convicts me every time I hear it... "And I know how I ought to be, alive to You and dead to me."

More of you, less of me.

context

Can that which is unsavory be eaten without salt? Or is there any taste in the white of an egg? --Job 6:6 

i remember pulling that verse out for a spin one time at a family dinner.... "supposedly 'proving' that are eggs are gross and the Bible even says so". haha yep. that didn't go so well...

i can't help but think of one other memorable verse i had to memorize in my childhood: "A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity." --Proverbs 17:17

frankly, i didn't know how this painfully honest verse was supposed to help me... my friends were nice and loved me at all times, but man oh man brothers are just put in my life just for causing adversity! ;p

i was reading proverbs 17-27 the other day and i guess i was amazed how many references to friendship i kept seeing:

Proverbs 18:24 There are friends who destroy each other, but a real friend sticks closer than a brother.

Proverbs 20:6 Many claim to have unfailing love, but a faithful friend who can find?

Proverbs 27:6 Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy.

Proverbs 27:17 As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend. 

i was walking outside in the cold frozen tundra we call the midwest and slipped quite dramatically on some ice, and a friend grabbed my arm to help me through the rest of the path. to me that is a friend.
my nasty bruise the next morning was good for one thing though, reminding me of this verse:

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Ecclesiastes 4:10

thankful for a few true friends and the best Friend of all. 

stubborn love

...and no, i don't mean the song by the same name. but... let's just put it in there, because i love it. ;)

i think it's interesting that the ancient greeks made all their gods imperfect and irrational. every single one of them. they got angry over little insults; they let their lusts carry them away (zeus; aphrodite and ares); they would steal from each other (hermes); they got into petty feuds with one another (zeus and hera). 

it's interesting to me how even in our much more modern development of powerful "superheroes"~ all still have their fatal flaws. it's like someone out there was saying "we can't make them tooo perfect, or no one will believe it." and there you have it, boom: #relatable was born. ;)

but, i mean i get it. i actually really appreciate some of the stories in the bible for instance, that really showed people in their humanness... and how God worked though that anyway.

i mean you have moses who couldn't speak,gideon who was totally afraid,peter who was an idiot hothead,david who was an adulturous murder,and lazarus who was dead, for heaven's sake.

don't tell me that God can't use flawed people, cause i know he can.

i couldn't agree more with the 18th century hymn writers... and echo their "prone to wander Lord I feel it". i may or may not have a reputation of being 'difficult' especially with the people that love me. spiritually, i often feel like who am i for God to use me. i've been timid, i've been hot-headed, i've been hateful, i've been all flaws combined at one time or another.  

i am so thankful i have a God that runs after me with that boundless measure of stubborn love when i am just being stupid.

what better allegory of our Father's love than the story of the prodigal son from luke 15:


20 “But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.

21 “The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’

22 “But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. 23 Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. 24 For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’

God, thanks for not giving up on me. ❤ 

thoughts on the last mile

"why am i doing this???" ever had this feeling? 

...maybe the realization hits when staring at an endless assortment of liquid detergent options in the grocery store, or downing that umpteenth cup of coffee to make it through the day... or the 3rd time in an hour G.D.F.R. comes on your hip-hop workout station (okay, that was oddly specific). 

in all seriousness though, i guess when i think about it, i've had many instances at different memorable points throughout my life that i'm like: "hold up, wait.... what!?" 

want to know the weird thing? i haven't had that feeling very recently. for the most part, life has generally been looking up... i've been looking up a lot. lol :)

anyways, probably the "why am i doing this" moment of late that i've been having usually transpires on the last mile of my training runs. i'm hot, i'm sweaty, i'm dying, and the manager keeps walking by (probably to make sure i'm not, in fact, actually dying). yeah, i just want to stop.  why am i doing this? oh yeah, some kind of race, wasn't it... or means of self-torture, one of the two! ;)    

one of the things i was thinking about yesterday is how it's kind of surprising how many verses in the Bible compare the Christian life to a race.

i mean of all comparisons, i get the whole 'life is a battle' comparison... with real physical & spiritual warfare etc. i even understand the various farming comparisons... that there is a lot of planting and waiting for things to grow. it makes sense to me that a lot examples would be centered around aspects vital to survival.

hmm but running a race? doesn't that seem a little odd to you? it's a little too sportsy isn't it? ;) i mean that would be like the Bible using [whatever that ancient greek basketball game is called] as an analogy.

anyways that being said: just initially, four things stood out to me about this comparison:

PACE-- spiritual life is like a race where moving is important. some people are jogging, some are walking, and some are sitting on the sidelines as spectators. Hebrews 12 does a good job emphasizing it is important to run with perseverance. it seems to me like the half-hearted approach is really not what God is looking for.

ENCOURAGEMENT-- spiritual life also needs some motivation, some "fuel" if you will, for the race. often this fuel comes from God as well as from other people. we need a reason for doing what we are doing. Hebrews 12 mentions being surrounded "by so great a cloud of witnesses", it is considerably easier to "keep on keepin on" with good people in your life.

DIFFICULTIES-- spiritual life is not without its many difficulties. there are a lot of things that "hinder us". sometimes it's sin, sometimes unbelief, sometimes just cares of the world weighing us down...

PRIZES-- spiritual life does have an end goal. after all, if there wasn't something positive at the end, something important to look forward to, why would one bother running? 1 Corinthians 9 and Philippians 3 talk a lot about the 'prize' in sight.


anyway, i would write more...  but i'm getting really really reeeeaaaallly tired.


that's all folks.

good thought.

'turning toward'

so recently i was thinking about an article i read on buzzfeed a few months ago.

yeah, i know, i know! i shouldn't be reading buzzfeed as a valid source of news or really any factual information. to you i say: chill. i am aware of that, get off my back.

(more than likely, it was probably something in the endless facebook quiz feed  your annoying 2nd-cousin-twice-removed's middle-age aunt posted). [eye-roll.]

anyway, i thought this aforementioned article was obviously deserving mention for two main reasons:
#1.) months later, i actually remembered this dumb article!!
#2.) the sheer unlikelihood of #1. happening.

basically this article talks about what is the "secret" of long-term marriages. one thing they cited (does buzzfeed even cite things?!) was the strong correlation between couples that "turn toward one another" after a 'fishing' type behavior, and between the marriages that actually lasted.

an example of a fishing behavior would be the guy/girl saying "ah, nice day we've been having". at first glance, a truly pointless statement. first, it does not really share any meaningful information. second, it does not ask any question to the other, even requiring a response. the buzzfeed article argues this is a subliminal "fishing" line cast~ and is now up to the other person whether they "turn in" for a bite.

anyone else feel like i'm describing something on animal planet? ugh sorry. i think i've explained it enough. summary line: buzzfeed was saying that couples that made the effort to "turn toward" one another emotionally were the ones that lasted and had happy marriages.

whether or not this is the case, i'm sure Lord only knows, and it really doesn't have all that much relevance to me... but still. i want to be a more "turning toward" type of person.

i think these past couple weeks i've done a tiny bit better. i can't tell you how many times in the past [read: very many] i have accidentally totally blown people off that were trying to talk to me. it's really not intentional, i am such a busy person and feel like i'm constantly running around with my head cut-off.

it just happens. then, i'll be charging down the interstate much later and be like 'ohhhhhh, that so & so was really trying hard to start a conversation with me and i was running 10mph carrying 20lbs of crap in the other direction and running to a meeting.'

so yeah. busyness could account for 95% of the problem (and i am working to cut down on that) but... that other 5%?

i guess i don't like being vulnerable.

i don't want to get hurt again.

i don't like exposing myself...

but anyway, i guess it's good for me, albeit not pleasant. case in point: a friend that i really started opening up to and being real with, called me fat. there's a whole story to it, yes... but no joke. i know it shouldn't have, but it did hurt my feelings. (i mean, who says that other than mean jealousy girls?!)

sometimes when you spend time investing in someone (leaning in, 'turning toward' behaviors) it *does* result in the person taking the bite... and then sometimes chomping down much too hard. it's essentially letting someone close enough to hurt you.

[[edit]]
ok, i found the article. turns out it's not buzzfeed, but hey, you know all about what i'm talking about now. ;)

unfortunately this is the sentiment expected of me most of my life. which is fine, i guess. i mean, actions have consequences, blardee blar ... and even unforeseeable circumstances... those also require a certain measure of "just deal" aptitude.

yeah, well i've pretty much got that down.
(so down, i could take it on down to downtown!)

okay.. i don't know where that came from, moving on....

basically, i have learned to just "deal with it" so "well" that no one ever knows i'm struggling. and that's not a good thing.

i don't ask for help, i'm "strong" all right... i just push it all down, shoulder as much as i can, and stick my best smile on my face.

i really don't like whiners, or complainers, and negative nancy's so i suppose that could be partly why i never clue people in. i guess deep down i don't want to be like that so i think presenting a false view of reality is the next best thing?

i don't know, doesn't make much sense to me, either.

two weeks ago a guy a work said these exact words to me, "geez, (name), you really have it all together don't you, you make the rest of us look bad!"

though the conversation was about fashion and (very obviously) a joke, i totally responded a little too emphatically (probably based on the week I had just gone through) with a major "no, i sooo DO NOT have it all together!!!", which everyone thought was hilarious.

i can definitely see the humor of it, but really.. that's the last thing i want people to think of me. just because i don't wave all my dirty laundry in everyone's face and whine about my life doesn't mean it's not difficult, really stressful, and hard to handle everything.

frankly, i have days where i feel like a beatup dog continually running back to his cruel master for more.

i think i need to do better with that balance of opening up to be real about stuff.

the few times i do though, seriously... people either 1.) think i have lost it and am off my rocker or 2). kindly say some variant of "pull your big girl panties up, and deal with it."

either way, i always end up feeling guilty that i'm not perfect, and regret ever letting my guard down.

greener grass

ah, disorder,
... how you do sneak up! "everything tends toward chaos." (2nd law of thermodynamics, anyone?)
this i know full well.

but when's the last time you actually saw entropy taking place in real-time?

see, that's what i mean: it definitely happens, but you never see it 'til it's too late. in a way, life can be like a nightmare vaguely similar to a 90's kid's show. "who made this big mess?" oh, that's right, me.

don't hang up your clothes for a few days.... and oh look now it is a monstrous pile on the floor of the closet.
don't water the house plants for a couple weeks.... oh look they were not cactus's, and they are dead.

unfortunately people, and more largely, relationships also strongly tend toward disorder. this really bugs me. i've never been very good at keeping up with people. yeah pen-pals in 6th grade {cringe} ...that did not go well for me. today, i can count on my hands the number of people i talk to that were my friends in highschool (and probably all of them, it's because they make an effort to talk to me). it's not that i'm some horrible bad uncaring person; hear me out: it's really just that i'm not all that needy.
needy... in the sense of desperately needing people. whether for the good or the bad (probably bad), i'm kind of just more self-sufficient.

i'm the type of person that ever since forever i've been the girl that had a plan for exactly what i wanted to do with my life and how i was going to get there and what i would be wearing once i arrived. everyone always asked me for help in college because i seemingly "had it all together".

recently, about 6 months ago, not to really go into it, but God brought me to a place in life of giving the control of my life back over to Him. it's been humbling, hard, kinda confusing, but good.

so anyway... i guess where i go wrong is just assuming that relationships don't take any effort. thinking that i just left a happy interpersonal connection with someone a week ago or a year ago.. that we are going to be able to just pick up from the same spot we left off. i think that way, but unfortunately that isn't the way it works.

leave a garden unattended, and the weeds will choke out anything desirable.

oh, for time to make the effort & effort to make the time.

impossible

"What is your biggest dream?"  "To have my own house. With two stories." --HONY   (Kasangulu, Democratic Republic of Congo)

...
ohhh if they only knew... the world really isn't any better two stories up (or ten stories for that matter, trust me.)

still, you have to almost chuckle, the deep low almost inaudible kind.

wow. there's life. so simple, so poignant.

i've definitely thought like that~ yep every day of my life. okay, maybe my "biggest dream" isn't to have a two story house (a pretty attainable thing in middle class u.s.a.) but i've definitely thought small like that.

now let's get this straight, i have zero intention to make light of the dreams of these dear boys, or diminish the significance of their lofty wish based on their heart-wrenching circumstances. they have lives harder than i'll probably ever know... but what i do mean to do is put into perspective this concept of our "greatest dreams".

forgive the comparison, but life's sometimes like this unbelievably huge ritzy gourmet restaurant-- and not knowing any better, we order a crust of bread because we can't begin to fathom the fillet mignon. it's called having a limited view. being finite.

surroundings definitely impact our greatest wants. i can't tell you how many times i've heard someone whining "every one else around me is in a relationship and my life would be complete if i just had a significant other." or "i would be so much happier if i just had that house with the white picket fence in the 'burbs and 2.5 kids" or "man, if i made as much money as my bosses's boss, boy would i be living"

or "if i could only get on shark tank to present my idea of air activated self-heating pizza rolls, i'd feel significant..." (hey what!? i don't see me judging you! ;)

our dreams aren't big enough. they can't be.
we don't know what's good for us. we don't even know what to even begin to ask for. i've been thinking a lot about how often we limit God by what we pray about. i'm going to stop asking God about all those silly "two story house" type dreams and start asking God to do the impossible...


anybody that knows me, knows i am particularly fascinated with humans of new york. check it out, yo.

somedays...

believe it or not, this doesn't even cover it.

yep.

BAD BAD BAAAAAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BADDD BAD BAD BAD Bad bad bad BAD BAAAAD Bad BAD day, ya'll. 

...

ah. there~ i feel better already for expressing myself quite so articulately.

 and may i add, so succinctly! not to brag or anything but~ 20 words properly handled, mind you, can certainly paint a masterpiece.

In the words of

the sometimes simplistically elegant jack johnson,
"lovin' someone... don't make them love you"

i should know, i've been on both sides of the coin a few too many times than i care to remember.

oh God, remember those prayers consisting solely of the words "lord, make him love me" chanted over and over?! yeah, i'm not proud of it. teenage desperation, what can i say. (would you like some over-easy eggs with that rare honesty?) .... hey, at least i admit it.

anyways, women get the notorious bad (w)rap for this, {though we alllll do it}, we basically want what we can't have.

maybe it traces back to the garden of eden, or was it when the notebook came out?~ who knows. but i've also blocked enough numbers of real-life stalker dudes to know that it is by no means a female-exclusive issue.

it's been my experience in relationships (heck, even in friendships too), that there is always one person of the two that cares a little less than the other.

yeah i'll be the 7 billionth person to commiserate right with you:
"one-sided relationships.. suck"

so don't be in one.
that's right, you heard me right~
you do have a choice in the matter don't you?

don't waste your time on something you know is one-sided. here's a bright idea~ just be excellent to each other. and that's it. all those unrealistic expectations for that other person? throw 'em right out the window. giving to get is not any kind of real love.

it's amazing what a freeing feeling that is to quit trying to play God and conniving your way into a relationship with someone that wasn't meant to be. plus, it seems like a pretty widely accepted fact that it's all around just 'better' to not be delusional.

i mean, follow my example if nothing else~ me and david beckham have somehow managed to stay pretty amicable throughout the years.... even though i told him he's too old for me and i don't even like sports.

valentine schmalentine

truth of the matter is... saying i'm "kind of" a feminist, well~ let's just say is putting it mildly.

i have a major problem with what seems to be men and society's generalized norms of male/female expectations.

but i don't have time for all that. I will focus this weeks' spirited one sided discussion on a particular classic behavior set that drives me wild. (& not in a good way~ ugh really! have you been listening to anything I've been saying!?)

1. THE CAVE-MAN FORMULA
(equivalent roughly to: ME SINGLE + U SINGLE = U NOT ONLY REQUIRED BUT ALSO OBLIGATED TO DATE ME.

yep, let's just discount that the other person has any kind of brain or any inkling of interest in you and man-handle them into a relationship with you! I mean, c'mon~ why wouldn't you?

and women! don't you know you are nothing as a unattached female and surely your only validation in life is to be thrown over the arm of whatever brute that approaches you!? moreover, you should be happy and thankful for being 'selected' and promptly make a sammich to express your joy.

guys~ maybe that girl you're so baffled by why she doesn't like you~ take a step back and THINK: 'hmm... am i just assuming that because she is single she will by default have a strong emotional bond and connection with me?' 'does she perhaps have some other ambitions in life other than me a random creeper?'

ugh nevermind. enough~ if you will excuse me, i have some better things to do:

this makes me cry

what the video doesn't share but this article does, is a bit about the boy battling tears in the red sweatshirt. he's one of the "cool" kids, he's the quarterback of the football team-- the guy everyone looks up to and emulates. kids are so mean, and i can guarantee no one would have stood up for the poor "waterboy" if a "celebrity" of sorts hadn't done something. yes, i know its a beautiful thing that he stood up against the bullying and influenced the entire team to stand up for the boy, but still it makes me sad. how many times is a child somewhere not stood up for? how many times is someone disabled, quiet and shy, or even "different" in any imaginable way "kicked under the bus" emotionally or physically? people are so mean. i'm a supposed adult~ and even today i can not grow a thick enough skin fast enough for how i get ripped up & bad-talked. it's hard, and i can't even imagine being a young child picked on and taking everything so deeply. i pray for every little heart out there, God protect them.

fall sweaters

God, after today all i can say is~ you have quite the sense of humor! ;) & i have the sneaking suspicion you  love these sweater looks as much as I do?

i tried.

honest to goodness i tried.
i told you this was coming, should have just believed me~

...and begin rant.

welp.
so i'm pretty quiet some of the time, with that 'some' being when i want to be, or merely when i am extremely uncomfortable. a lot of times i think people read me very wrong.

other's perceptions
1. i am conceited.
2. i am prissy.
3. i am judgmental.
4. i am rich?

truth of the matter
1. i actually find this the most {annoying} common myth that goes around about me. people that know me all know i really dislike talking about myself/ i have an almost in-bedded nature to word all my insights/answers as questions /and generally lean too far on the 'not liking myself side' to even register on the 'full of myself side'.

2. though i wear (gasp!) makeup, or at times dress nice, i am actually very oudoorsy. give me a trail with trees and a free afternoon and i'm golden: i will disappear for hours exploring.  furthermore~ i grew up with 2 brothers and paid my fair dues in the tomboy category, i guess i just don't feel the need to prove it to you by dirt in my fingernails.

3. it invariably happens. i tell someone i'm in fashion, and they start to get all self-conscious about what they are wearing. i could honestly care less! like a doctor, i've seen it all, and it doesn't phase me anymore. i'd much rather see people in their natural style/element than them adapt to what they think i would like. while you're worrying that i'm judging you for looking like a slob in sweatpants and a hoodie, i am {honestly} probably thinking how accurate last week's trend meeting that "athleisure" is going to be our best seller.

4. though i do have a very good paying job, i did not grow up having a life of financial ease by any means. i paid for school myself by working part-time/ heck, even full-time! jobs year-round even during 22 credit semesters at school! still today, i use coupons at the grocery store and all of my furniture is not even from the same decade(s) to even consider matching.



so you can take all that silent judgement~and go judge someone else.


no, don't do that.

seems to me..

that money is the worst friend you could ever know. you know, you would think that money would owe you: after all that you did to get it, surely you rightfully deserve a bit of
+respect
+prestige
+happiness
+comfort
for slaving to accumulate so much of it. yeah, ah/ funny thing...

money doesn't owe you nothing.

and you better believe i meant every word of that double-negative as emphasis. the hard, cold reality is that:

money doesn't owe you, it rather owns you.


let me tell a little uninteresting story. so in college there was a girl i knew...

i should clarify 'knew' in the very loosest sense of the word (i.e. invariably happen to see a thousand times more than i would like to in a week, and hear her loud conversations with her groupies in the lab, and may/may not have stumbled upon her daily style blog by unscrupulous googling? of her name (don't ask).

okay rambling aside, the point is: there was this girl. and i don't really "know know" her but i had aloooot of exposure to her. let's call her *britney.
*googling works both ways, even i know that.

britney was a particularly mean girl. snarky laugh, chiseled upturned nose, 6ft tall legs.. (and that's not even counting how tall the rest of her was): she was the whole shebang. but apparently her perfect exterior, posterior, and all other super-ior aspects did not make her a very happy camper. i think she chanel-ed quite a bit of her unhappiness into buying a lot of designer clothes, shoes, handbags, accessories. we're talking a lot.

any remaining negative energy i suppose was fueled right into her second largest passion: malicious meanness. ah yes, not a student, professor, nor cute visiting foreign-exchange family escaped her cruel sneering comments to her inseparable friend-pack.

one day in the lab, i was writing a research paper and per-usual britney and her driveling friend-pack decided the lab was the perfect place to socialize and be loud.

**i typed their following exact words into my email at school when i heard them so as to not forget

britney: "my super freaking rich step dad just sent me diane von furensburg luggage for my trip to itallyyyyyyy. he even signed it with a little heart.  omg omg, im like seriously 'i love you so much' right now in my head."

friend: "omg, we can't be friends right now, i'm totally serious. my target luggage is going to look so bad next to yours."

it was then... that i felt bad. no more for my poor little self. 
unbeknownst to my cackling adjacencies, their boasting was making me very sad for them. :/
i know they meant something else, something surely more glamorous, but all i could hear was:

-no dad
-new guy whose one claim to fame is being freakishly rich
-traveling halfway across the world, and all someone can muster to write to you is a 'heart'?
-"i love you so much"... but in your head? you can't say it to him?
-you love someone only for what cowhide/leather high price item they can give to you?
-a friend doesn't want to be your friend anymore because of how they will look next to you?


that's all that there is for them... things. 

owned by money. 'owned' by an unmistakable thirst to matter, to mean something by what they have. 


For the love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows. 1Timothy 6:10


in my Bible, for some reason i wrote beside that verse exodus 21:6 about a master piercing a servants ear to show ownership. money also has a way of piercing into your soul and controlling you.


note to self: don't buy the chanel earrings. ;)