Rescuer

"the ones we rescue, rescue us...."

it was a quote i had heard recently on a some movie commercial in the theater.

strange, i've been thinking about it a lot recently... enough that i wanted to write about it.

for some reason, my mind often will remember with vivid clarity a particular quote or situation that may not be the main point of the particular instance but it gets filed with a little *remember this is important* star right beside it. this function of my brain is actually super helpful... it's why it's impossible for me to be bored in boring situations. for a {short} period of time in college i attended a church where the pastor was close to the worst speaker i have ever heard in my life-- he would drone on and on the driest sermons i had ever heard. somehow i was able to pick up on little sub-points that i thought were much more interesting and managed to come away with some kind of spiritual substance from the whole ordeal. haha... now that i think about it, this feature has probably has helped me deal with several unimaginative people in the past.

anyway. all this to say, even though the aforementioned movie commercial looked decent, though not particularly remarkable... the quote was definitely file-worthy.

i want to be a rescuer.

11.4 million+ girls are trafficked yearly. that's not okay. it's sad that beautiful human beings get abused this way. i wish it could be as easy as wiping out sporting events where the largest majority of slavery happens or preventing thousands of people from clicking sites online. but it's not that simple. all you can do, is do what you personally can. it can happen in a variety of daily life choices, what you watch, what you buy, what you give your money to, how you teach the next generation. 

i support a little indonesian girl from childfund international and i may never fully know what difference that made in her life or her family's life. that doesn't mean that it's not important though. flailing your arms about how you cannot solve the world's problems is pointless... when you can indeed help to solve one person's problems. give until it hurts, and then keep giving.

rescue those your arm is right by.  

it would be silly to think of driving across town to check on a friend when your neighbor's house is burning down next door. in the same way, God puts people right by us so we can rescue them. when my family had a trying financial situation, it was surprising to see not close friends, not close family, not the inflated corporate church... but one individual without a full-time job reach out to help. people get so lost flinging money at rich people that they don't have any left for people that need it.

 rescue because He rescued us.

For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins. Colossians 1:13
 

significance

stubborn love

...and no, i don't mean the song by the same name. but... let's just put it in there, because i love it. ;)

i think it's interesting that the ancient greeks made all their gods imperfect and irrational. every single one of them. they got angry over little insults; they let their lusts carry them away (zeus; aphrodite and ares); they would steal from each other (hermes); they got into petty feuds with one another (zeus and hera). 

it's interesting to me how even in our much more modern development of powerful "superheroes"~ all still have their fatal flaws. it's like someone out there was saying "we can't make them tooo perfect, or no one will believe it." and there you have it, boom: #relatable was born. ;)

but, i mean i get it. i actually really appreciate some of the stories in the bible for instance, that really showed people in their humanness... and how God worked though that anyway.

i mean you have moses who couldn't speak,gideon who was totally afraid,peter who was an idiot hothead,david who was an adulturous murder,and lazarus who was dead, for heaven's sake.

don't tell me that God can't use flawed people, cause i know he can.

i couldn't agree more with the 18th century hymn writers... and echo their "prone to wander Lord I feel it". i may or may not have a reputation of being 'difficult' especially with the people that love me. spiritually, i often feel like who am i for God to use me. i've been timid, i've been hot-headed, i've been hateful, i've been all flaws combined at one time or another.  

i am so thankful i have a God that runs after me with that boundless measure of stubborn love when i am just being stupid.

what better allegory of our Father's love than the story of the prodigal son from luke 15:


20 “But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.

21 “The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’

22 “But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. 23 Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. 24 For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’

God, thanks for not giving up on me. ❤ 

unfortunately this is the sentiment expected of me most of my life. which is fine, i guess. i mean, actions have consequences, blardee blar ... and even unforeseeable circumstances... those also require a certain measure of "just deal" aptitude.

yeah, well i've pretty much got that down.
(so down, i could take it on down to downtown!)

okay.. i don't know where that came from, moving on....

basically, i have learned to just "deal with it" so "well" that no one ever knows i'm struggling. and that's not a good thing.

i don't ask for help, i'm "strong" all right... i just push it all down, shoulder as much as i can, and stick my best smile on my face.

i really don't like whiners, or complainers, and negative nancy's so i suppose that could be partly why i never clue people in. i guess deep down i don't want to be like that so i think presenting a false view of reality is the next best thing?

i don't know, doesn't make much sense to me, either.

two weeks ago a guy a work said these exact words to me, "geez, (name), you really have it all together don't you, you make the rest of us look bad!"

though the conversation was about fashion and (very obviously) a joke, i totally responded a little too emphatically (probably based on the week I had just gone through) with a major "no, i sooo DO NOT have it all together!!!", which everyone thought was hilarious.

i can definitely see the humor of it, but really.. that's the last thing i want people to think of me. just because i don't wave all my dirty laundry in everyone's face and whine about my life doesn't mean it's not difficult, really stressful, and hard to handle everything.

frankly, i have days where i feel like a beatup dog continually running back to his cruel master for more.

i think i need to do better with that balance of opening up to be real about stuff.

the few times i do though, seriously... people either 1.) think i have lost it and am off my rocker or 2). kindly say some variant of "pull your big girl panties up, and deal with it."

either way, i always end up feeling guilty that i'm not perfect, and regret ever letting my guard down.

somedays...

believe it or not, this doesn't even cover it.

yep.

BAD BAD BAAAAAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BADDD BAD BAD BAD Bad bad bad BAD BAAAAD Bad BAD day, ya'll. 

...

ah. there~ i feel better already for expressing myself quite so articulately.

 and may i add, so succinctly! not to brag or anything but~ 20 words properly handled, mind you, can certainly paint a masterpiece.

this song playing on my car stereo

driving home from work tonight, this song playing on the radio, and the snow was falling horizontally on my windshield. it was honestly beautiful. i had never seen snow fall like that. i wish i would have taken a video, but i doubt it would have captured it anyway.

the singers' twangy voice sang~

"runaway train, never goin' back
wrong way on a one-way track
seems like i should be getting somewhere somehow i'm neither here nor there" 

God, i hope i'm not on the wrong track. i hope you'd turn me around or stop me if i was headed to de-rail... i hope you use me, where ever it is i'm going. my life's an open book, write your name on every page.

this makes me cry

what the video doesn't share but this article does, is a bit about the boy battling tears in the red sweatshirt. he's one of the "cool" kids, he's the quarterback of the football team-- the guy everyone looks up to and emulates. kids are so mean, and i can guarantee no one would have stood up for the poor "waterboy" if a "celebrity" of sorts hadn't done something. yes, i know its a beautiful thing that he stood up against the bullying and influenced the entire team to stand up for the boy, but still it makes me sad. how many times is a child somewhere not stood up for? how many times is someone disabled, quiet and shy, or even "different" in any imaginable way "kicked under the bus" emotionally or physically? people are so mean. i'm a supposed adult~ and even today i can not grow a thick enough skin fast enough for how i get ripped up & bad-talked. it's hard, and i can't even imagine being a young child picked on and taking everything so deeply. i pray for every little heart out there, God protect them.

i keep hoping

that someday... i can do something. i hope that someday i change something, rather than just write about it.

i have gone in or to a lot of churches in my life. i know for sure over 30, very possibly a bit upwards of that. me, being, as i happily like to call it "art-inclined" i can remember way, way back staring at bulletins when i either "couldn't" or just wasn't understanding the sermon.

some people are good with names, or dates; i can remember images, how things looked.  churches were such places of beauty to my young eyes.  the gorgeous floral arrangements in the front, the women in their Sunday finery, all the men's ties, the heavenly choir robes, stain glass windows, little ones in ribbons and bows, the lush carpet, the smooth wooden pews; i drank it in with amazement. as i got older, new technologies allowed even more exuberance: glossy pictured bulletins, murals, such visually striking power-points, scrolling song backgrounds, lights, music videos, heart-wrenching Skype interviews... flyers that were made with such attention to type-set fonts they belonged in art museum. it was beautiful, just beautiful.

no, i'm not going to say this is wrong, or bad that this is the case in the modern church. i felt like it really enhanced my experience-- if i can say that, without it sounding weird. God is a God of beauty, majesty, splendor! He is the the Creator, the original Designer. is it wrong to be amazed and in a beautiful environment when worshiping Him? resoundingly no!

i get older, and the incredibly annoying thing, is i see and become aware of incredibly horrible things, ugly despicable things i wish i never knew. that tree of knowledge of good and evil? yuck! i wish they would have never taken that bite.

no longer can i be happily unaware even if i wanted to. i guess sometimes i feel guilty; i see this vast "continental divide" so to speak of wealth. i see people living like dogs slaves to sin on the street when we have the most gorgeous and perfect church service.

i guess i just want that change. i get antsy. i can't stand injustice.
and boy, does it sting when you look at in a gold-rimmed bathroom mirror.

i was watching a documentary recently called "Lost Angels: Skid Row is My Home",
( http://www.hulu.com/watch/460340 ) that i wish everyone could see. basically documents the life of people living on the streets and their incredibly wretched situation.

so i suppose what have i proved? that i can complain about a lot of stuff, that i am essentially not doing anything about.  i really am trying to not criticize "the church" for allowing these things, only perhaps a re-evaluation of needs and directives....

i guess....... i just hope that maybe someone will mistakenly read this and it will make a difference, or that God somehow..... lets me help in a way.

on time, as if on cue

the elevator door opens and dings. i look up quickly, across the foyer, strangely expecting some sort of answer to my thoughts. instead a woman hurries into the door, her larger frame filling the space. across the back what is most likely a ladies workout express t-shirt, can be read

"Change. Begins when we cease to fear."
somehow i think that answers my question.

candy cantaloupe

"candy cantaloupe!" her withered hand reaches toward me, shaking a little plastic cup. i can't see what is in it, so i step closer. "try to-day, so good. you like." black-haired man steps in line in front of me, obscuring my view. finally, he moves. "here! you. have one!" i can see the cup's contents fully this time. orange, over-ripe plain cantaloupe sitting in a fourth an inch of murky water. my nose involuntary scrunches up. oh, that was all it was. i shuffle a few steps back and then right, murmuring an "oh no thanks". it is lost in the noise of screaming child, "mom! mom! i said i want some! mooom! are you listening!" "candy cantaloupe!"the old woman calls again with that lilt to her voice. i walk down the tomato aisle of the produce section. ew. ew. ew. why did i even get in line for that? i wasn't the poor old woman's fault. fact of the matter is, i just hate cantaloupe.

so much

to think about. so why don't i blog.
in no particular order: (imagine following thought processes as angel thin linguine unraveled from something like a double helix)

~today's a day that i look back and think 'i actually made some really wise decisions.' decisions by myself that were beyond me and my maturity level at the time. thanks be to God!

~if in 1 shift i make 2,000 for the company, why do i make so little?

~what could even be the reasons possible for me not being able to say no? rejection, fear, loss of worth? but at least consciously- none of these are important to me. i think i just don't like hurting peoples feelings

~i really need to work out. the race is not always to the fast but to they that keep running.

~you know what, you would be more convincing if you wouldn't follow statements with "at least in my opinion, for me that's the case, or i kinda think." let people decide-- without shooting yourself in the foot. it's understood that it's only your opinion, to outright mention it, it's weakening.

~who is surrendering themselves-- God to letting you do your thing, or you to Him?

~we are Gods Opus. a beautiful swirling symphony.

~my fingers wore away the center of the rubber on the leftclick key of my laptop.

~God didn't market himself well at all as a leader would today. he had the lowliest of births, the grossest and dumbest people and friends as followers. the meekest approach to everything. He completely turned the world on end, rightside up.

~there is hope.

simplicity vs. complexity

The one permanent emotion of the inferior man is fear - fear of the unknown, the complex, the inexplicable.

i just don't understand why humans (and i say that as i am one, at least i think) seem to adore simplicity so much. is it just one of those things that is that much easier to wrap their small head around? ...to attempt to fully "grasp" a subject completely and then feel all well and good about their "accomplishment"? or, something done or liked for conformity in hopes of acceptance? what ignorance on the one hand and {idon'tknowwhat but i don't like it} on the other!

most,if not all, important things are complex (love, life, DNA, technology, the world, etc...let alone God! and the grand scheme of things...) hmm. i mean, God didn't make us all little single-celled organisms, did he? he could have, but he chose to make us wonderfully difficult, or complex. so it seems to me that it should be that way.

when i was younger i remember my sister of two saying "i can DO IT MYself!" all the time to nearly everyone that attempted to help her. no one taught her that, it is just something built into people to want to figure out things. the whole mystery genre started off of this innate desire for complexity: to take a bunch of randomized facts and seemingly arbitrary circumstances and spend time making sense out of them.

so, i guess that's why it bothers me that the famed "keep it simple, stupid." attitude is everywhere. frat boys, ugg boots, minimalism in art, picture perfect people all acting alike! life is not this way! what is this farce?

"but my simplicity i can understand!" maybe we weren't meant to understand. maybe we were meant to be a soul continually widening in awe of maybe, how much we don't know.