while it's still today

(15 min after valentine's) i will listen to my valentine playlist--songs that remind me of the people i love more than any other people.

dad: "tomorrow"
mom: "first day of my life"
jedidiah: "daylight"
josiah: "you've got a friend in me"
micah: "baby, baby"

i think i will feel a little bit sad and happy, and go to bed.

inspiration

i love to be inspired. sometimes i feel like i cannot exist if i am not inspired. for whatever reason known only to God, 'm just set up that way. pep talks, success stories, encouragement, poetry, songs, quotes, are all more than just empty verbage to me, they fill me with varying amounts of brief hope to continue on. The longer i live, the more i realize how very odd this is. save my father, i know virtually no one else that is "fuled" this way.
nearly everyone seems to have a more reward-based drive. and what I mean by that is that they feel complete and happy when they have either accomplished a task, recieved recognition, or have some sort of tangible, measurable progress on a goal. i guess that's too definitive for me. i like a road open before me. i can feel happy in working toward a goal, testing my limits, or in knowing it is possible. sometimes i think people would be happier if they could see the joy and beauty in things even if they haven't recieved their reward yet (even if they never do)... life's a process-- you can't measure it by your successes and failures! what do you do with all the in-between parts?

you know what?

i want to pray more.

i want to help my family.

i want to climb a mountain.

i am amazed that God's love never (and cannot) fail.

beauty

do you see that tree?
do you like that tree?
now look at that tree, do you like it?
do you say this tree is not pretty because it does not look like this one?
do you say this one is ugly because it looks not like others?
you're a tree, i'm a tree.
love your tree.
--nairobi woman

cloud diagrams

...are how i think, so i put what i want to accomplish in 2011 in little circles relating to one another with this really cool free trial (which i loove) of gliffy.

as i was going over it, i realized how kinda selfish most of it was... so the little clouds are what i think heaven would be more proud of.

playas and pilgrims

dear envelopes,

turns out life isn't so nice sometimes.  sometimes.. when i think about it, i'm not nice.


i dumped a guy after he told me he thought i was hotter with straight hair.


there i said it. i know it is completely whacked out, but that's basically the drift of it. well, to back up and be completely honest, that stupid sentence was what finally woke me up, the first clue in, from what was becoming a toxic relationship {you would have thought it should have been that he was 6years older than me, wasn't a Christian..but "spiritual", pushed me in some compromising situations and was a little too confident with himself!- but no, i'm stupid, remember, and he was charming.} i wish i had those months back i wasted with that dude.  i don't know how to describe it, but the hair thing just completely struck a chord in me and i didn't like it. i know my hair is all sorts of curly messy, uncontrollable, entirely too long, but well, that's me. and if someone doesn't accept how God made me, or like me au naturale, then i'm seriously not the right person for them. you can take your "i'm not going to love you in humidity or a rainstorm" self right outta here!

and it's not even about the curly hair, that's just like a symptom of the fact that he was trying to change me to fit into his life. hm, i have a better idea: why don't we just find a robot that looks like your past 3 girlfriends, straighten her hair, stick a beer in one hand and a foam hand for your favorite football team in the other!

God, what was i thinking! i love so easily.

i'm tired. i'm tired of the playas who make you believe all the far east lyrics, i'm tired of the pilgrims that can't look at you or they'll die or something.

your love is strong

you know what?

every once in a while for about 2 months i have wanted to write. i probably should have done it when the urge came because i remember they were good thoughts... but they are long gone now, buried in my hippocampus or wherever dreams die.

begin.

i don't know, maybe it's college, or maybe i'm getting older, or maybe my hearts just changing, but last january i did a novel thing for me (and maybe others) i made resolutions.  i kept them. well, pretty much. and whatever the case, it was life-changing! something about making a small, practical, do-able list of things i wanted... worked. no lie, i had never done a 'life to-do' list before.

all this to say, every once in a while i'll catch myself saying 'you need to add that to what you need to work on.' here's some for ya, LIST:

following whims. who doesn't love that old lady in the grocery line that asks you how "my lands! how you college kids can do so much!!" randomly or that geeky guy that sits down next to you and asks what your major is and what you're studying, tells his life story, asks if you are a model (aw) and then hands you his web design business card (hang out in 1st floor neilson). there's something so fun about that. to be free to act on all the silly things you think and just be more expressive.

not hating people. i just honestly don't have the time anymore. i can hardly think of anyone i have hated starting this semester (and believe me i have run into those last semester people more than once-- lol that was just a joke. but it makes a point--remember thAT!). you don't have time to KILL. 1john3:15 haha think of that<:)

talking to God about things. he's probably the only one that doesn't mind hearing it.

seeing beauty in faces only their mother could love. let's start this out.. i love beauty. i love all things beautiful. i'm a designer for heaven's sake! but not all things beautiful are love. what i mean is that beauty does not always equate with good. there are some incredibly attractive guys and girls out there. let's face it, it's nice to look at good looking people and kind of sad/odd/scary looking at others. there should never be god-awful people. and when there starts to be, you have a problem. i am convinced that if i ever marry it will be an ugly but beautiful guy. they're way nicer, and finding beauty is way better than being blinded by it.

using your powers for good. i still haven't fully talked myself into this one yet. i am extremely sensing/perceiving and can read people like a book. i know exactly what people want.. sometimes i am incapable of giving them it, or flat unwilling to...but most of the time i use this "skill" to an unfair advantage. i tickle people's ears. professors, employers, acquaintances, friends...it is very unethical. but then again is there really a law against tickling? is it lying or living? i don't know this one yet.

appreciating the little things. in some way this reaction from this guy is incredibly moving: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OQSNhk5ICTI when did life cease to be so incredible.

bulletproof. i wish i were. peoples opinions, expectations, attitudes, aren't mine. why do i need to take them on?