{random 7}

things that i found out recently:

1. i ebbbbbbbbay!

2. electric security fences, as found in prisons, do not cause sparks in rainstorms.

3. i can do new things! never saw myself in the group leader dynamic, but i randomly took charge and assigned everyone jobs in class today (*and* they didn't hate me!)

4. i'm planning on dying my hair this year or next

5. pinetrest.com is a fun time! also mint.com

6. chatting or acknowledging strangers live or phone does not scare me. note: does not apply to internet (fb chat, die.)

7. i am an old lady because i think michael buble seems.. just so* dependable! gasp*

this is not about steve jobs and bill gates

other people's lives make me really curious sometimes. most of the time i don't envy them (though sometimes the way i imagine them,i do). alot of the time i wonder what kind of things they are embarrassed by, or what factor controls their life, or how it feels to be them. it's just very weird to think about. i know my life has been composed of different feelings or at least ones that i contribute to different times.
when i was 6 i was prideful and shy
when i was 10 i wanted to understand
when i was 13 and 14 i was very sad, and confused
15-16 i wanted so much to be beautiful and to be liked
17 i don't remember
18 i felt so young, horribly young. i also felt so stubborn.
19 i felt behind already in life.
20 i feel creative,

how do people feel about themselves? it's not like someone can just post a status update-- at this point of my life i just feel.. uninformed ,and this manifests itself in every area of my life.' you know, hm.


better question is how do these guys feel?

while it's still today

(15 min after valentine's) i will listen to my valentine playlist--songs that remind me of the people i love more than any other people.

dad: "tomorrow"
mom: "first day of my life"
jedidiah: "daylight"
josiah: "you've got a friend in me"
micah: "baby, baby"

i think i will feel a little bit sad and happy, and go to bed.

inspiration

i love to be inspired. sometimes i feel like i cannot exist if i am not inspired. for whatever reason known only to God, 'm just set up that way. pep talks, success stories, encouragement, poetry, songs, quotes, are all more than just empty verbage to me, they fill me with varying amounts of brief hope to continue on. The longer i live, the more i realize how very odd this is. save my father, i know virtually no one else that is "fuled" this way.
nearly everyone seems to have a more reward-based drive. and what I mean by that is that they feel complete and happy when they have either accomplished a task, recieved recognition, or have some sort of tangible, measurable progress on a goal. i guess that's too definitive for me. i like a road open before me. i can feel happy in working toward a goal, testing my limits, or in knowing it is possible. sometimes i think people would be happier if they could see the joy and beauty in things even if they haven't recieved their reward yet (even if they never do)... life's a process-- you can't measure it by your successes and failures! what do you do with all the in-between parts?

you know what?

i want to pray more.

i want to help my family.

i want to climb a mountain.

i am amazed that God's love never (and cannot) fail.

beauty

do you see that tree?
do you like that tree?
now look at that tree, do you like it?
do you say this tree is not pretty because it does not look like this one?
do you say this one is ugly because it looks not like others?
you're a tree, i'm a tree.
love your tree.
--nairobi woman

cloud diagrams

...are how i think, so i put what i want to accomplish in 2011 in little circles relating to one another with this really cool free trial (which i loove) of gliffy.

as i was going over it, i realized how kinda selfish most of it was... so the little clouds are what i think heaven would be more proud of.

playas and pilgrims

dear envelopes,

turns out life isn't so nice sometimes.  sometimes.. when i think about it, i'm not nice.


i dumped a guy after he told me he thought i was hotter with straight hair.


there i said it. i know it is completely whacked out, but that's basically the drift of it. well, to back up and be completely honest, that stupid sentence was what finally woke me up, the first clue in, from what was becoming a toxic relationship {you would have thought it should have been that he was 6years older than me, wasn't a Christian..but "spiritual", pushed me in some compromising situations and was a little too confident with himself!- but no, i'm stupid, remember, and he was charming.} i wish i had those months back i wasted with that dude.  i don't know how to describe it, but the hair thing just completely struck a chord in me and i didn't like it. i know my hair is all sorts of curly messy, uncontrollable, entirely too long, but well, that's me. and if someone doesn't accept how God made me, or like me au naturale, then i'm seriously not the right person for them. you can take your "i'm not going to love you in humidity or a rainstorm" self right outta here!

and it's not even about the curly hair, that's just like a symptom of the fact that he was trying to change me to fit into his life. hm, i have a better idea: why don't we just find a robot that looks like your past 3 girlfriends, straighten her hair, stick a beer in one hand and a foam hand for your favorite football team in the other!

God, what was i thinking! i love so easily.

i'm tired. i'm tired of the playas who make you believe all the far east lyrics, i'm tired of the pilgrims that can't look at you or they'll die or something.