beyoncé is a person

i really like.
equal parts strong and soft.
beautiful and inspiring.

a pang

People pass by slowly,

And then are invisible.

Even the most constant hum upon the ears--

Will, by its consistency, become dull.

Ah! But what of the pain that smoke creates?

Surely that!

Blackening up the lungs and smothering breath;

This vile thing is not forgotten?

Nay; but even this, floats away

Till merely tendrils~ in the tenderest trail.

O why this drift?

Why this ebb of memory?

"Lost but not forgotten" marble always reads;

Though writ in stone, it tells little truth.

Eternal Throne Above,

Oh Thee alone know these all, 

One by one, forgotten.

Bend Thine arm and save that which is Lost!

high hopes

if i could make ONE resolution for (what i have met of) the rest of the world it would be to read this: http://www.wikihow.com/Tell-if-You-Are-Self-Absorbed 

....i've already read it, so i should be good. ;)

joking, joking.

anyways, here are some of my tangible wishes for 2013

network with people. go to more fashion events and ask people how they got to where they are.

make my dream portfolio. (soooo much time)

while we're talking huge tasks... draft up my business plan and detailed design layout to present to a rich investor at a moments notice

make my business card.

have a window-sill herb garden at my new place.

go cross-country ski-ing in the next year! wouldn't that be fun!

have a glass of wine and write a book. write part of a chapter or so in the evenings. it's going to be a very realistic best seller that will make you laugh and cry, break your heart, and then heal it over again

exercise and run races again

definitely thinking zumba class! so much fun!

take a photography class or pottery or metal-smithing

start up my vlog

volunteer/work at a women's crisis center or homeless shelter. i've wanted to do this for so long. time's a waste'in!

home for christmas

i know what most people mention as their favorite part of being home for the holidays:
rest, relaxation, good food, loved ones near and dear, shopping, gift-giving, usual stuff..

it's not that those things don't matter to me, they just don't make my tip top favorites ;)

5. movies: i never ever watch movies unless i'm home. i mean i'll watch a rare spot of tv every once in a blue moon, but only in less than 15 min sittings. so hard to beat the experience of a crowded couch with blankets at home.
4. frizzy hair: home is the remarkable one place on earth where when i leave my hair alone and let it do it's natural curly way; instead of strange looks, i get genuine "wow! you're hair looks so good like that!
3. no alarm clocks: unbeknownst to any of my immediate family, i am usually a very early riser during the school year; however, at home i have come to be known as some species of hibernating bear that is not to be woken. i very much try to maintain the image.
2. sweatpants: my family is probably the only ones who would ever love me in my sweatpants. seriously, you haven't seen these sweatpants. that's how i can tell it's real love.
1. craziness: i guess i just really like how they put up with me. and i can be silly and random all i want and they can't judge me, because they're weird too ♥

merry christmas!

selling out

i just wanted to write a bit. and do as i usually do in my loosely punctuated and freewriting-esque style.

it's a touchy subject.
here we go... answers into the unexplained:
i still remember the day my parents set up the hotel night and we listened to james dobson. i don't remember nearly anything that was on those cassette tapes (were they even cassettes?) i remember that it was awkward; i think i felt the worst that somehow i already knew what was being explained, such a crime in my 11, 12? year-old mind. all this to say,  i still knew it was special. maybe it was the hundred some bucks at a hotel? or the time by myself... i just knew whatever it was, it was--in fact, important. for that, i thank my mom and dad, the world over.

i got the ring after that. it didn't fit me then.
i put it away, about a year or two under my bed, then up on the top shelf of my closet. i didn't think it was pretty, and i just associated it with the content of the awkward talk. oh yes, there was some promise with it. one that i didn't want to make. no reason other than i rightly knew, it would affect the rest of my life. I told myself i didn't understand it enough. i'd decide later.

time waits for no man. not even for a non-committal 18 year old.

fast-forward: to last summer. i think that was the first time i wore it. nestled in the corner of my jewelry box it wasn't so ugly anymore. it was a forlorn commitment. "she dresses herself with strength and makes her arms strong."

i still remember the time my young boss, who i liked, point blank saw me wearing it. his eyes got really wide, and didn't talk to me much after... oh, or that time getting ready with some girls... "hey, sorry to yell from the bathroom, but just wondering, do you put out?! wait, what is thaaaat [on your hand]?"

so it's not the object that does anything. it's the heart. for a while there, because i was really strongly opposed to the wwjd bracelet and kjv tote'in segment of the Church... i rejected the idea entirely of showing outwardly any connection to such hooligans. however, like i said, recently, i have strangely found something that really attracted me to it:

THE UNBELIEVABLE NUMBER OF PEOPLE IT WILL TURN OFF.

i mean, it bothers guys, it bothers girls, it makes people think you are judging them, or somehow think you are better than them, or there is something wrong with you, or you are gay, or you can't get anyone, or you are a really boring undesirable person, or you have issues, etc,

though these are all negative things, i kinda stopped caring i guess. if someone can't be a little bit open-minded about me having a different opinion than them, i don't really need them as a acquaintance/friend. i don't really have as strong as a need to be liked anymore.

i'm not perfect with God, by any means, either; all i know is i'm trusting that portion of my life to Him. He knows.


“Truth will rise above falsehood as oil above water.”

arms or wings

you have arms, not wings, dear. do not try to do what you were not made for. and likewise, dear, make quiet use of that which you have.

i'm pretty sure...

if i met mr. right i would blow him off.
probably because i just met mr. adorable-trying-to-talk-to-me-at-a-coffee-shop-but-i-was-too-busy-and-frankly-unaware-of-what-was-going-on-:(

all i have to say is mr. right better be able to deal with initial rejection.

sorry.
+
in other related news, these delightful songs remind me of books, sweaters, and coffee shops:

quiet.

i'm not shy, i'm not anti-social. i'm not a non-communicator. i'm just quiet.

loud feet outside the door in the hallway. blaring horns, music and tv's turned up too loud.

at times i just really do not feel like talking. it never really seems to get me anywhere anyway these days. no one listens. i can understand what is going on without needing words.

these long november nights just make me want a warm sunny patch of ground in a forest and a friend i can nod to and they will just smile and understand.

the weird thing is i have gotten really good at being a extrovert. i can almost guarantee if you were to be introduced to me, you'd never know. playing the confederate. it's just how i make it by.

being quiet is such an ugly trait to have. people can't stand silence. it makes them nervous. watch people. they have to have be talking, have music on, pretending to text, they can't handle a bit of quiet.

only problem with my little too well-done act, is after time it really wears me out. it makes me day-dream of retreating by myself, only to be interrupted by "GAH! what are you doing staring off into space! i want to talk about such-and-such unimportant such-and-such!"