may

ah that sentimental time of year when all the little high school seniors are hatching and ready to spread their wings to the world.

i can remember those days.. (albeit though they become increasingly blurry, year to year.)

oh yeah and that song 'i hope you dance'... yes, that.

for all it's sappy tear-inducing guilt-trip type qualities in the guise of being inspirational-- i wonder if it is really the best advice, you know to tell these young impressionable people?

"And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance. I hope you dance... I hope you dance."

just throwing it out there, i've had to sit out a few dances {metaphorically} in life since then. (plus non-metaphorically i'm not going to win dancing with the stars anytime soon! --that was a joke, in case you missed it lol ;)

sometimes the very best decision you can make is to step back, let go, and let God. i feel like part of being an adult is being able to accept there is often a waiting period. and, being okay with that.

but anyway, how these thoughts even got here in the first place is i heard this song on the radio:

and i was just thinking how i would much i prefer it over lee ann womack's crooning any day. it just would be a better graduation song all around. 

hope is the thing with feathers

unfortunately this is the sentiment expected of me most of my life. which is fine, i guess. i mean, actions have consequences, blardee blar ... and even unforeseeable circumstances... those also require a certain measure of "just deal" aptitude.

yeah, well i've pretty much got that down.
(so down, i could take it on down to downtown!)

okay.. i don't know where that came from, moving on....

basically, i have learned to just "deal with it" so "well" that no one ever knows i'm struggling. and that's not a good thing.

i don't ask for help, i'm "strong" all right... i just push it all down, shoulder as much as i can, and stick my best smile on my face.

i really don't like whiners, or complainers, and negative nancy's so i suppose that could be partly why i never clue people in. i guess deep down i don't want to be like that so i think presenting a false view of reality is the next best thing?

i don't know, doesn't make much sense to me, either.

two weeks ago a guy a work said these exact words to me, "geez, (name), you really have it all together don't you, you make the rest of us look bad!"

though the conversation was about fashion and (very obviously) a joke, i totally responded a little too emphatically (probably based on the week I had just gone through) with a major "no, i sooo DO NOT have it all together!!!", which everyone thought was hilarious.

i can definitely see the humor of it, but really.. that's the last thing i want people to think of me. just because i don't wave all my dirty laundry in everyone's face and whine about my life doesn't mean it's not difficult, really stressful, and hard to handle everything.

frankly, i have days where i feel like a beatup dog continually running back to his cruel master for more.

i think i need to do better with that balance of opening up to be real about stuff.

the few times i do though, seriously... people either 1.) think i have lost it and am off my rocker or 2). kindly say some variant of "pull your big girl panties up, and deal with it."

either way, i always end up feeling guilty that i'm not perfect, and regret ever letting my guard down.

greener grass

ah, disorder,
... how you do sneak up! "everything tends toward chaos." (2nd law of thermodynamics, anyone?)
this i know full well.

but when's the last time you actually saw entropy taking place in real-time?

see, that's what i mean: it definitely happens, but you never see it 'til it's too late. in a way, life can be like a nightmare vaguely similar to a 90's kid's show. "who made this big mess?" oh, that's right, me.

don't hang up your clothes for a few days.... and oh look now it is a monstrous pile on the floor of the closet.
don't water the house plants for a couple weeks.... oh look they were not cactus's, and they are dead.

unfortunately people, and more largely, relationships also strongly tend toward disorder. this really bugs me. i've never been very good at keeping up with people. yeah pen-pals in 6th grade {cringe} ...that did not go well for me. today, i can count on my hands the number of people i talk to that were my friends in highschool (and probably all of them, it's because they make an effort to talk to me). it's not that i'm some horrible bad uncaring person; hear me out: it's really just that i'm not all that needy.
needy... in the sense of desperately needing people. whether for the good or the bad (probably bad), i'm kind of just more self-sufficient.

i'm the type of person that ever since forever i've been the girl that had a plan for exactly what i wanted to do with my life and how i was going to get there and what i would be wearing once i arrived. everyone always asked me for help in college because i seemingly "had it all together".

recently, about 6 months ago, not to really go into it, but God brought me to a place in life of giving the control of my life back over to Him. it's been humbling, hard, kinda confusing, but good.

so anyway... i guess where i go wrong is just assuming that relationships don't take any effort. thinking that i just left a happy interpersonal connection with someone a week ago or a year ago.. that we are going to be able to just pick up from the same spot we left off. i think that way, but unfortunately that isn't the way it works.

leave a garden unattended, and the weeds will choke out anything desirable.

oh, for time to make the effort & effort to make the time.

new things to come

so....
-you wont find a girl instagraming #imsuchaproverbs31woman to her morning bible study here.
-i don't have any perfectly manicured photos holding poor African children.
-i also didn't attend a christian university & do not have a M.R.S. degree in wifemakery (i would probably be on academic probation if i tried!)

sorry. instead, if you got to know me you will probably come to find out:

-i've made some mistakes in life.
-i've regrettably even made some conscious choices to make mistakes.
-and (shocker) i am not at all perfect.

yes, you read that right~ i'm actually human.

i'm only human... and i bleeeeeeed when i fall downn. okay okay i'll spare you the singing.

i'm really just a girl saved by grace.

and i guess the only guarantees i can feebly offer are that:
1.) on this blog and also in life i *try* to be real about my life~ it's complexities and struggles/ the joy's and the pain's. i'm thankful God doesn't leave me at the point i'm at, but helps me to grow.

& 2.) i usually write in all lowercase.

maybe you'll like it maybe you won't. i don't really know. i happen to think God's not finished with me yet and i'm looking forward to seeing what He has in store! :)

here's to 2015 y'all.

write hard and clear about what hurts

caked on a pound of flesh
pink or is it brown? what matter, it smears in like the rest.
hallow unrested eyes, cracking lips,
nails ragged with rips~
the pain is harder to hide
thankfully safe; no cares to look inside.

one last look in the mirror with searching eyes:

as long, as long, as long
as long as it appears it's fine.