greener grass

ah, disorder,
... how you do sneak up! "everything tends toward chaos." (2nd law of thermodynamics, anyone?)
this i know full well.

but when's the last time you actually saw entropy taking place in real-time?

see, that's what i mean: it definitely happens, but you never see it 'til it's too late. in a way, life can be like a nightmare vaguely similar to a 90's kid's show. "who made this big mess?" oh, that's right, me.

don't hang up your clothes for a few days.... and oh look now it is a monstrous pile on the floor of the closet.
don't water the house plants for a couple weeks.... oh look they were not cactus's, and they are dead.

unfortunately people, and more largely, relationships also strongly tend toward disorder. this really bugs me. i've never been very good at keeping up with people. yeah pen-pals in 6th grade {cringe} ...that did not go well for me. today, i can count on my hands the number of people i talk to that were my friends in highschool (and probably all of them, it's because they make an effort to talk to me). it's not that i'm some horrible bad uncaring person; hear me out: it's really just that i'm not all that needy.
needy... in the sense of desperately needing people. whether for the good or the bad (probably bad), i'm kind of just more self-sufficient.

i'm the type of person that ever since forever i've been the girl that had a plan for exactly what i wanted to do with my life and how i was going to get there and what i would be wearing once i arrived. everyone always asked me for help in college because i seemingly "had it all together".

recently, about 6 months ago, not to really go into it, but God brought me to a place in life of giving the control of my life back over to Him. it's been humbling, hard, kinda confusing, but good.

so anyway... i guess where i go wrong is just assuming that relationships don't take any effort. thinking that i just left a happy interpersonal connection with someone a week ago or a year ago.. that we are going to be able to just pick up from the same spot we left off. i think that way, but unfortunately that isn't the way it works.

leave a garden unattended, and the weeds will choke out anything desirable.

oh, for time to make the effort & effort to make the time.