greener grass

ah, disorder,
... how you do sneak up! "everything tends toward chaos." (2nd law of thermodynamics, anyone?)
this i know full well.

but when's the last time you actually saw entropy taking place in real-time?

see, that's what i mean: it definitely happens, but you never see it 'til it's too late. in a way, life can be like a nightmare vaguely similar to a 90's kid's show. "who made this big mess?" oh, that's right, me.

don't hang up your clothes for a few days.... and oh look now it is a monstrous pile on the floor of the closet.
don't water the house plants for a couple weeks.... oh look they were not cactus's, and they are dead.

unfortunately people, and more largely, relationships also strongly tend toward disorder. this really bugs me. i've never been very good at keeping up with people. yeah pen-pals in 6th grade {cringe} ...that did not go well for me. today, i can count on my hands the number of people i talk to that were my friends in highschool (and probably all of them, it's because they make an effort to talk to me). it's not that i'm some horrible bad uncaring person; hear me out: it's really just that i'm not all that needy.
needy... in the sense of desperately needing people. whether for the good or the bad (probably bad), i'm kind of just more self-sufficient.

i'm the type of person that ever since forever i've been the girl that had a plan for exactly what i wanted to do with my life and how i was going to get there and what i would be wearing once i arrived. everyone always asked me for help in college because i seemingly "had it all together".

recently, about 6 months ago, not to really go into it, but God brought me to a place in life of giving the control of my life back over to Him. it's been humbling, hard, kinda confusing, but good.

so anyway... i guess where i go wrong is just assuming that relationships don't take any effort. thinking that i just left a happy interpersonal connection with someone a week ago or a year ago.. that we are going to be able to just pick up from the same spot we left off. i think that way, but unfortunately that isn't the way it works.

leave a garden unattended, and the weeds will choke out anything desirable.

oh, for time to make the effort & effort to make the time.

new things to come

so....
-you wont find a girl instagraming #imsuchaproverbs31woman to her morning bible study here.
-i don't have any perfectly manicured photos holding poor African children.
-i also didn't attend a christian university & do not have a M.R.S. degree in wifemakery (i would probably be on academic probation if i tried!)

sorry. instead, if you got to know me you will probably come to find out:

-i've made some mistakes in life.
-i've regrettably even made some conscious choices to make mistakes.
-and (shocker) i am not at all perfect.

yes, you read that right~ i'm actually human.

i'm only human... and i bleeeeeeed when i fall downn. okay okay i'll spare you the singing.

i'm really just a girl saved by grace.

and i guess the only guarantees i can feebly offer are that:
1.) on this blog and also in life i *try* to be real about my life~ it's complexities and struggles/ the joy's and the pain's. i'm thankful God doesn't leave me at the point i'm at, but helps me to grow.

& 2.) i usually write in all lowercase.

maybe you'll like it maybe you won't. i don't really know. i happen to think God's not finished with me yet and i'm looking forward to seeing what He has in store! :)

here's to 2015 y'all.

write hard and clear about what hurts

caked on a pound of flesh
pink or is it brown? what matter, it smears in like the rest.
hallow unrested eyes, cracking lips,
nails ragged with rips~
the pain is harder to hide
thankfully safe; no cares to look inside.

one last look in the mirror with searching eyes:

as long, as long, as long
as long as it appears it's fine.

"Let's face it. Mother Teresa doesn't look that good in a negligee. And Team Hoyt won't sell beer commercials to the networks. But when the ball players and the supermodels end up in rehab, we end up asking esoteric questions about what makes a hero. In the movies the good looking actor who gets the girl is easy to point to. But after he gets the girl, then the house, and then a few kids and then a divorce and then another girl. Then what? After all of the special effects are gone, we're left with an aging mortal who looks a bit awkward on the talk shows. Perhaps we've set our goals too low. Or perhaps we've got it backwards." --Jon Foreman

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jon-foreman/goodness-precedes-greatne_b_322551.html

impossible

"What is your biggest dream?"  "To have my own house. With two stories." --HONY   (Kasangulu, Democratic Republic of Congo)

...
ohhh if they only knew... the world really isn't any better two stories up (or ten stories for that matter, trust me.)

still, you have to almost chuckle, the deep low almost inaudible kind.

wow. there's life. so simple, so poignant.

i've definitely thought like that~ yep every day of my life. okay, maybe my "biggest dream" isn't to have a two story house (a pretty attainable thing in middle class u.s.a.) but i've definitely thought small like that.

now let's get this straight, i have zero intention to make light of the dreams of these dear boys, or diminish the significance of their lofty wish based on their heart-wrenching circumstances. they have lives harder than i'll probably ever know... but what i do mean to do is put into perspective this concept of our "greatest dreams".

forgive the comparison, but life's sometimes like this unbelievably huge ritzy gourmet restaurant-- and not knowing any better, we order a crust of bread because we can't begin to fathom the fillet mignon. it's called having a limited view. being finite.

surroundings definitely impact our greatest wants. i can't tell you how many times i've heard someone whining "every one else around me is in a relationship and my life would be complete if i just had a significant other." or "i would be so much happier if i just had that house with the white picket fence in the 'burbs and 2.5 kids" or "man, if i made as much money as my bosses's boss, boy would i be living"

or "if i could only get on shark tank to present my idea of air activated self-heating pizza rolls, i'd feel significant..." (hey what!? i don't see me judging you! ;)

our dreams aren't big enough. they can't be.
we don't know what's good for us. we don't even know what to even begin to ask for. i've been thinking a lot about how often we limit God by what we pray about. i'm going to stop asking God about all those silly "two story house" type dreams and start asking God to do the impossible...


anybody that knows me, knows i am particularly fascinated with humans of new york. check it out, yo.